Dear Mom,
If you're reading this, just know I'm not angry. I know that it's not your fault and that you didn't really have a choice. I'm here to say that it's okay. It's okay that you had to choose to give me up and continue your life as if I never existed. You had to make a decision for the both of us. You wanted to give both of us the opportunity to have a good life, and let me tell you, you did that for me. You gave me a life that I don't think I ever would have had unless you gave me up. Because of you, I was able to live my life on a different level. I saw certain things in a different light, and I like to think that I came out a better person because of it, and for that I thank you.
I would be lying, though, if I said I never hated you, because for a long time I did. How could you just give me up? How could you just give me up to a complete stranger without a second thought? Didn't you want me? I was only two weeks old and already I wasn't good enough for someone. Do you even know how that made me feel for the rest of my life? For years, I was miserable. I felt like I would never amount to anything and that I was destined to be the one that people always left behind or gave up on. How was I ever supposed to do something great with my life when all I could think of was the failure that would come after?
I was always different. Different skin. Different hair. Different eyes. Just different, you know? People would tell me that I looked just like my mom or just like my dad, but deep down I knew the truth: I looked like neither of them. Did people just say that so I would feel apart of something whole? So I wouldn't feel left out or forgotten? See, the truth is, I already know that I'm different, so you shouldn't try to sugarcoat it. I know who I look like, and it's not my mom or dad.
But is this your fault? No.
I'm glad that people don't compare myself to you. I'm glad people don't say, "You look just like your biological mom!" Because let's be honest, that would sound creepy and just out right stupid.
People always ask me if I want to know you or if I've always been curious about you. The answer is always yes. I would love to meet you and know who you are. I would love to know if I had your qualities. I would love to know if you also have a birthmark on the back of your right arm. Do I have your personality? Your voice? What about your determination? All things I've questioned my entire life. It's hard knowing that you have a family. A family that doesn't involve me. A family that probably has no idea that I exist. I've often wondered if you ever thought about me. If you ever thought about how I was doing or if I was having a good day. But some things just aren't meant to be, and in our case, it was us.
We were never meant to be.
You were never meant to be my mother, you were only meant to give me life. You gave me a true life, but you had to give me up to have a real life. I understand you had to give me up for me to actually live and become a person. If I had stayed, I would have nothing, I would know nothing and I would be no one.
So, mom, because of you, I had the chance at a real life. I had the chance to be the person I am today. I know you love me and I will always love you. I hope one day I meet you and the first thing I'm going to do is hug you and thank you for the opportunities you gave me. You may not have raised me or know anything about me, but you gave me a life and you gave me a chance to live that life. I love you.
Sincerely,
The child you gave up
