My relationship history started at a pretty young age for some. I was 15 when I got in my first relationship and when I lost my virginity. Something that I’m not too proud to say is that I’ve always had a guy, whether it was a boyfriend, a boy toy or friends with benefits. It’s not something I boast about, but I would never regret any moment I spent with them. They taught me a lot about myself and allowed me to grow and be a better version of myself, and I thank them for that.
To my first boyfriend: Thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself. Me being in my first relationship, I was naive. I was unknowingly learning from you and soaked up how to love by how you showed it: getting mad when I didn’t hang out with you, getting mad when I wouldn’t have sex with you, getting mad and ultimately not trusting me when I was out with my coworkers. I knew this wasn’t the right way to love, but I had no positive loving relationships in my life to go from. I thank you for this because I was able to stand up for myself. I broke up with you. I let go even though I cried because I thought no one would ever be with me, but I had to. I had to leave your possessive lock that you had me in.
To my first friends with benefits: Thank you for teaching me my worth. We had our first kiss a month after I broke up with my boyfriend. We started fooling around a week later. You kept me hanging for two years. You said that you really liked me and even said you loved me, and that made me stay. You led me on and made me feel worthless. You made me feel like a fool with the “just a friend” girl, which ultimately broke my trust with the guys that were after you. When I tried ending things, you cried and begged me to stay. I never saw you cry and that made me feel horrible inside, so I stayed. I deserved better. I deserved someone who wanted to be with me, not just when I wanted to leave. When we were both away at school, we barely talked. One night you texted me and I said that we were never going to be what we use to be. You understood this, but turned it on me and blamed me for leading you on. I know I didn’t, but thank you for teaching me that I deserved someone who treats me and sees my worth, and shows that he wants me and actually loves me, not just to stay for sex.
To my second boyfriend: Thank you for showing me that I could love again. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship when you asked me, but I grew. After four years of being emotionally detached from the guys I was with, this was different from me, and refreshing. We had a lot of fun together and had a deep connection. I learned a lot from you, and you taught me these things without being negative. It took me a while to say that I love you, and I feel like you could sense that my past wasn’t the best even though we never talked about it. I wish that my own past and insecurities didn’t cause me to run away, but I’m happy for the experience, the friendship, and happy that you’ll find someone.
I don’t really have a label for the other...some odd number of men in the last five years, but thank you for allowing me to grow as a woman. I’ve learned what I want from guys, whether that’s a relationship or just a hookup, and I make it clear in the beginning that this isn’t going to go any farther than sex. It’s important so feelings don’t get in the way of anything, and that awkward “what are we” talk doesn’t come into play if one side is feeling it and the other is not. I’ve learned that communication is the key to relationship success. I have learned that I shouldn’t feel like crap because I didn’t like someone enough to stay with them and I hurt them then rather than leading them on and hurting them later.
I should be happy with the person that I’m with and it shouldn’t be forced and same with the other way around. I have learned that it’s okay to not want to have that boyfriend/girlfriend label and not to stress over it. However, leading someone on is not okay. If you have no interest in being with someone long term, you shouldn’t give them the false hope that this will turn into something. Be open, be honest and be happy.
