I hope this letter gets to you in some way shape or form; and I hope you read it knowing I wrote it with all my broken pieces. Our relationship was actually one of the better ones. I have to admit, at first I did not even want to give you a second date, but after flowers at my doorstep and countless texts later, I just couldn’t say no to you. The way we met and the way everything panned out was almost like a fairytale, like god kept throwing you in my face over and over again. It took almost 4 months for me to say yes to you, and when I did I was still terrified. Being in a relationship is a risk, or at least that is what it has become to me, but you swore to me you would never break my heart. Saying yes to you was me giving you my heart and the power to either nourish it or crush it. I said yes. I ran the risk. I chose to be with you, I chose to love you.
Goodbye is not an unfamiliar concept. I have been through a few goodbyes. Although, goodbyes are never easy, yours seemed to have been the hardest. The night before our goodbye you had just told me you loved me with everything you got, and you told me that there isn’t another woman on this earth you would want to make happy. You even told me you hoped my happiness never went away. To this, I said, “we won’t let it.” A few days before goodbye, you got me flowers and coffee because I was having a bad day and you wanted to make me happy. It was because of this that day in the parking lot, when you said it was over, I was completely floored. I did not know what to do, what to think, or who to turn to because I made you the person I leaned on, and that was my biggest mistake.
I looked at you for such a long time I could still remember every rain drop that fell on your face and every twitch you made. I remember feeling my heart shatter. I gave you a perfectly healed and happy heart, and you gave it back to me dead and broken. You cried, because somewhere inside of you, you know that that was not what you wanted, and that was not something you thought through.
It had been such long time since I felt love for someone, and it had been a long time since my heart had been broken- a familiar unwanted feeling. I’ve been through break ups before, but they had reasons. This one had none. Everything was perfect one day, and the next everything was gone. I wonder where your heart is, I wonder how you are doing. I wonder if one day we will be together or you will be too late. I wonder a lot of things about you. You left me with so many unanswered questions.
The time that we have spent not talking I learned a lot. I learned to never give your everything to anyone, because when they leave you you have nothing left. I learned that when someone doesn’t want to be with you, no matter how hard it is to tell your heart it is really true, you need to let go. Letting go is way easier than holding on, besides you can’t hold on to something already gone. I learned that you can’t trust words, but actions, and you can not give your love away so easy. In other words, do not let anyone in even if you think you know they will never hurt you because even the best of people let you down.
This is not a letter of resentment, I am not writing this because I hate you, on the contrary. It’s ok love, I am ok because I know that what we had for the time we were together was very real, but darling, “the best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our heart and brings peace to our minds; and that’s what you’ve given me, that’s what I had hoped to have given you forever. I love you, I’ll be seeing you.” (The Notebook)
Your First Girlfriend.