To The Man Who Chose To Leave,
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t go back in time and make you stay. I couldn’t have made you want me anymore than you already did not. I couldn’t have changed your mind, or forced you into a change of heart. I was your daughter, but that wasn’t enough.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t call you on the phone and tell you how much you have missed. I couldn’t fill you in on my day, and make you wish that you would have stayed. I couldn’t find you, hug you, and forgive you- at least to your face.
Growing up I always wondered what it was that I did wrong to make you want to leave. I stayed up late, many nights, calculating in my head what I could do to make you want to come back. I cried myself to sleep, many more nights, because I could never come up with the right equation to make you return. I woke up many mornings wondering where you were, who you were with, if you had another daughter you loved and chose to be with.
Every Father’s Day I missed you. Every father-daughter dance I needed you. Every night I prayed for you, and every morning I thought of you. I didn’t know who I was because I didn’t know you.
I wondered if you ever thought of me. I died to know if you ever regretted your decision to not be in my life. I longed to know if you ever tried to contact me, run to me, and hold me in your arms. Let the past be the past.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t bring you back from where you are now. Do the clouds float around you, like perfectly made marshmallows? Does the sun always shine? Did you get your angel wings? Do you watch over me?
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t forget when you got sick. I finally met you. You were pale, and you were small. You shared the same love for Dunkin Donut’s iced coffees that I did. You talked to me about your life, without me. You talked to me about your disease, leukemia, and how it was quickly killing you. You talked to me about your worries, and your sadness. What about my sadness?
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t forget that you never said you were sorry. You never reached an arm out toward me to pull me in, hold me close. Never a kiss, never an “I love you”. Just you, me, and two iced coffees. Discussing life like we never had a past. A father, sick. A daughter, hurt. An entire world flying by outside, while we sit trying to come up with words to say that have enough meaning.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t deny that I am happy you are in a better place. You are free from hurt, and therapies. You are free from cancer.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t deny that I have forgiven you. For not being there when I needed you. I hope you can see now that I was the biggest person. I was there for you when you needed me most, even when you weren’t there for me.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t change the fact that you were my father, or that you chose not to be there.
Rest in Peace.
Still thinking of you always,
The Girl You Could Have Called Your Daughter.
