You will be blamed for their mistakes. She will fight against the urge to blame you, but it will be a reflex. The important thing is that you realize this. It’s not fair, and it’s not an excuse, but you have to understand what they did to her. They betrayed her until she couldn’t trust her own judgement. She knows you aren’t them, but she has a hard time trusting herself, let alone you. You have to have patience with her. There will be good days and bad days. When she is testing your limits, remember the good days. She might test you, but it comes from a broken area. She needs to know you will be there for her even if she shares the darkest parts of herself.
It is a long battle. Some people think that after the abuser is out of the victim’s life, it’s all over. It’s not, it is far from over. Even if she took the time to work on herself before getting into a new relationship. She couldn’t prepare for everything, there will still be flashbacks and triggers for her. She will fight to hear her own voice and not their voice. It could be as simple as you doing something nice for her. They could have done something similar and she thinks back to that moment, realizing what it turned into.
Not all scars are visible. They might not have physically hurt her, maybe they just emotionally abused her. They broke her until she didn’t think she was worth anything. They manipulated her until she believed what they said about her was true. They may not have physically beat it into her, but they said it enough times that it had the same effect. She may not even know about some of the scars she has. They may present themselves as a surprise even to her. Work through it with her and be there for whatever she needs. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk, but just be with you. Be whatever she needs in that moment.
Compliments may be uncomfortable for her. She probably didn’t get a lot of compliments. If she did, they were probably laced with hate or had consequences. They made her feel like she was nothing. They used her insecurities against her. She can’t see her beauty. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t compliment her, you should, but don’t feel bad if she doesn’t react like you think she should. An awkward “Thank you” might be all she can manage. She appreciates it, but she doesn’t know what to do with it. She might not see the same woman you do.
It will get easier. It will take work, but if you’re in it for the long haul, then it will be worth it. Eventually she will trust you and know what you say is true. She will love you free from the baggage. You will see the woman she always was, but that they tried to destroy. It will be hard and you will get frustrated, you’re only human after all, but you will become a better man for it. You will have the pleasure of knowing the beautiful woman you always knew she was.
This isn’t to say it’s your job to fix her, because it’s not. She will have to work to fix herself, but you can be there to help her. She just needs you there. Whether that be for someone to listen to her, for someone to let her cry, for someone to let her be angry, or for someone just to sit with her. You will be many things for her, and it won’t always be easy. You might become angry for her and with her. She is wounded and will push your limits. It will take a real man to take on this task, but the results will be incredibly worth it.
