To the guy I walked away from,

I am so sorry.

2017 wasn't my year. I got married, I got separated, my family fell apart, I lost friends. My job was in jeopardy. The stress of all of this happening in such a short period of time wore on me to the point where I literally lost my mind. I lost just about everything that I held close to my heart...

But nothing hurt as badly as losing you.

I know I hurt you. Everything was happening at once and I couldn't keep the stressors at bay. However, you were always my biggest support, my safe place. You even changed parts of your routine to be available to me whenever I needed you. I could send you one text saying I was stressed and you'd stop everything to call me and reassure me that everything was going to be okay. I didn't deserve a man like you and I probably still don't deserve you now. But I need you to know that miss you and I'm sorry. I allowed the worries of everything around me drag me under the water.

Selfishly, I dragged you down with me.

My biggest regret has been the fact that I hurt you. How could I have been so selfish? How could I have walked away from the one person who would have done anything for me? How could I demand more when you were already giving me everything? You helped me escape a relationship that was unhealthy and hurtful. You gave me confidence to stand back up after being knocked down over and over again. You gave me a new perspective that had such a brighter outlook. You always put my cares and concerns before your own. You always knew how to make me smile.

You gave everything to make me happy, even your own happiness.

The truth is I love you. I don't say it lightly and it's not because I want all the attention you gave me before. I've grown a lot over all this time and I'm a strong enough person to stand on my own two feet. Honestly, I think you'd be proud of me. Scratch that, I know you'd be proud of me. I'm not the same girl I was when we were together. I've grown up a lot and I've had time to reflect on everything and comes to terms with how my life is now. I'm a lot happier now with where I am at. I've made changes that allows me to have freedom from the stress that kept dragging me down. I feel free. I'm just missing one thing.

You.

And perhaps the wound is still fresh and I need to just let it go and give it time. But I miss you so bad. I miss talking to you and hearing the happiness in your voice. I miss hearing your laugh and seeing you smile. I miss holding your hand. I miss laying with you on the couch and watching TV. I miss ordering calzones with you and having you forget your leftovers in the fridge. I miss our road trips and hearing you sing off-key. I miss you always coming to my place with a to-do list of things to fix for me. I miss your sarcastic jokes, even the ones that weren't all that funny.

I miss being your favorite.

I was stupid to let you go. If I had another chance, I would do it right this time because I truly do love you. I would cherish you as much as you cherished me. I would put your cares and concerns before my own. I would respect you the same way you respect me because you deserve it. You are hands down the most selfless and caring guy I have ever met. I definitely don't deserve you, I know that. But I'd give everything for one more shot.

But I understand if you want to keep walking away.

I had my chance and I blew it. Big time. I hurt you and I can completely understand not wanting to chance getting hurt again. Above all else, I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve all the happiness this world has to offer. You are truly someone special and I hope that whoever you end up with knows that and cherishes you the way I didn't. Just know that I am so sorry.