If you're reading this, then chances are you've realized you're not in a healthy relationship, or maybe you're just curious. I won't sit here and give you "10 signs" to let you know because the reality is, the research has already been done and the only thing you can think of that hurts worse than staying, is leaving it behind. Your reality is finding a way to bypass the pain so that somehow, someway you can move on with as little damage as possible. You may have even realized, that in order to be happy you have chosen unhealthy escapes. Choices that only postpone the inevitable, but yet keep you trapped and yet all you truly want is to be happy and free.

What you may not have calculated is that contained in the pain, is the wisdom, courage and strength you need to find the happier version of yourself and your life. Leaving an unhealthy relationship is difficult and there may be extenuating circumstances, but sometimes there’s nothing in your way except you and your reality. Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but be mindful of your reasons. Sometimes the bravest, most difficult, and most life-changing things lie not in what we do, but in what we stop doing.

In a perfect life, relationships would read like a story book, but life isn't perfect and neither are people. If they were, the person we fell in love with would not be the person who broke us. We fall in love, we commit and we get hurt over and over, and then we stay. You probably wonder if there will ever be a happily ever after, fairy tale endings, armored chivalrousness riding atop a white horse to save the day. Instead, the era you recognize consists of worn out pages of a romance novel lying in your passenger seat as you drive by a pasture full of donkeys. O.K, I get it, if you're a guy reading this, you're not riding around with a romance novel, but you get the gist of what I am attempting to say. I don't know of anyone, or have yet to meet such a person, that somewhere deep inside of themselves are not either wanting, waiting or questioning if it's possible to meet their "soulmate." We are human; People need people.

Maybe you think you have found 'the one', and that's great, but remember there are others that desperately continue to swipe left, searching and waiting.

LOVE... It writes so well on paper....with stacks of "How to" books, droves of articles on how to find and keep the right partner, "What to do...., What NOT to do," how could we possibly get it all wrong? We are so bombarded by FINDING the perfect mate that we completely forget about what happens when we find the one that's not so perfect? I don't mean, he has some flaws to be fixed but rather he has some serious issues that you should not be responsible for fixing. Having someone else relying solely on you for their happiness is too heavy of a burden for anyone to carry. All relationships will go through 'make it or break it' times, but healthy relationships recover. They grow closer and become stronger and more resilient. If the relationship is healthy, it will only be a matter of time before you see it flourish. If it isn’t, it will shrivel up from lack of nourishment and eventually die.

I believe at an early age we are taught to accept certain things in our lives, and as small as they may seem at the time, we tend to hold on to them as some sort of girl code. Picture this, you're on the play ground at elementary school and a boy is mean to you, returning home you tell your mom about it and she responds by saying, " Sweetie, the reason he's picking on you is because he likes you." What???(ding,ding)... At that moment a light bulb goes off in our little brains and from that point on, well, it's history....and thus forms the beginning of toxic relationships. It almost sounds poetic, justifiable, yet inexplicably dangerous and still we find ourselves chasing the high of this bad medicine.

Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive. When relationships become loveless, hostile or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.

A toxic relationship isn’t about being on the downward slide of the usual relationship ups and downs. It is one that consistently steals your joy and follows you around with that undeniable clamor that... this just isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

Sometimes the signs are extremely clear... emotional and/or physical abuse, constant criticism, lying, cheating, emotional starvation. Then, there are times when nothing is outstandingly obvious, it just doesn’t feel right.

The relationship exists but that’s all it does, and sometimes barely even that. It is maintained, not through love and connection, but through habit. We make up excuses and rationalize every outcome. Believing, hoping, praying that things will get better. We replay every word, every argument while simultaneously taking on full responsibility for the inadequacies in the relationship as we dream of what could be. Things would be amazing if......, I know he could love me more if only I were....(you fill in the blank, we've all done it sister). I think that any woman that's been in a relationship has experienced this at least once in their lives, if you're the exception to the rule, then you deserve a high five! Regrettably, some of us (my hand is raised), have worn a bum magnet across our forehead since the day we discovered the opposite sex. If there was one within a 50 mile radius it was like I had a GPS attached to my, eh...hind quarter. As I write this, I myself, realize how easy it sounds to do....just cut them off like a bad habit and all will be right in the world and the stars will align. Nope. But, trust me when I say, I've got the T-shirt and it is hard physically and emotionally but you will survive and you will be happy again. So, if I can leave you with one piece of advice it is this:

Don't listen to the fantasy of 'what could be,' it will keep you stuck. Every time.

"The Fantasy," stands between you and reality as it throws flowers at your feet so you never look up and see things as they are. The more you fantasize about 'what could be', the more the reality is embellished and changed into something reasonable. "The Fantasy" will persuade you to hold on for a little longer, and always at the cost of moving forward in the same direction. Lose the fantasy that things will be different. They won’t be. If you could have lived the fantasy with this relationship, wouldn't you have already done that by now?

Instead, make yourself a new fantasy....one of all the losers who have ever crossed your path- pathetically sprawled on their couch, wearing saggy Star Wars underwear as they gaze at your photo, listen to Adele and regret like hell ever losing you... while you eat tacos, binge-watching Netflix and not missing their sorry (*beep*) at all! There ya go.

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If you, or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, please ask for help and call The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Trained advocates are available to take your calls toll free, 24/7 hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).