All my life I've been the good kid- the easy child, someone who never causes trouble- and that's all true. My parents still don't have anything like that to worry about. But I've grown into a person that everyone thinks is still the same. Everyone assumes I just don't have any inner struggles. I'm still the good kid, I'm still smart, I have my life together, but the truth is, I don’t think I do.
I took up running in the summer and stuck with it. Initially it was just a sport for me to join, but I realize now I use it to escape my problems. Whenever life gets to overwhelming, I grab my running gear and go on a long run. It's a great stress reliever but not always fully effective. I was literally running away from my problems.
If I think too hard about the state of my life, I have a mental breakdown. Just the other day I talked to my ex best friend and the first thing I did when I saw her was break into tears. I cried the entire time I was with her. I couldn’t even get more than three words out at a time. I'm a very emotionally guarded person, meaning I don't let people see me cry or see any other emotion besides happy. I don't want anyone to worry about me because, essentially, there is nothing to worry about. My best friend however, knew everything. We were close enough that if I needed a shoulder to cry on, she would be there without judgement. But she was no longer there for me and I had no one to go to for a very long time.
I was crying for so many reasons, maybe one being because of her. I had also just lost my grandpa and a week earlier my great aunt. I’ve always been able to handle stress of all levels, but, for some reason, this time I couldn’t. That's when it hit me. I shouldn't do this to myself. It's okay to not be okay. People understand. If they don't understand right now, they will eventually.
So to the girl who's experiencing the same things as me, I understand you want to be strong; crying in front of anyone makes you think you’re weak. In reality, however, crying makes you stronger. Instead of having so many bad emotions bottled inside, you are able to let them out, leaving your heart open for happy ones.
To the girl who says she’s fine, the girl who has put up so many walls, and the girl who knows she's on the verge of cracking.
Cry.
Just cry.
Stop pushing it all to the back of your mind, stop bottling it all up.
Think about everything that can make you crack and let it. All the stress and anger, sadness and worry, let it all out. Alone or with someone you trust. Just let it all go. Then take a deep breath, breathe, and move on.
None of that stuff has control over you anymore.
