I know it’s not your fault and that you're not trying to make me feel this way. I know that I bring these feelings upon myself. I just can’t help it sometimes. I find myself spending large amounts of time on your Instagram, Twitter, VSCO account. I can’t stop myself once I’ve started. I become so invested in your life -- through pictures. I look at them, knowing you are much younger than me, and ask myself why I don't look that way. How is it that you look about 5 years older than me yet you’re about 3 years younger than me? Even if I tried to dress like you do, I’d never pull it off like you. I could never look so sexy or seductive in a velvet bodysuit and white jeans. I could never wear a large t-shirt and thigh-high boots and walk out of the house feeling confident like you portray you are in all of your pictures.
I find myself spending much more time than I should looking at your photos until I have worked myself into feeling awful about my own body. I close the apps. I try not to think about how silly I’d look in the clothes you wear.
For the few days after, I spend time trying to learn how to contour my face like everyone else does, just to look beautiful. I watch hours of makeup tutorials with products I know I can not afford. I watch hair tutorials of how to make space buns because they look so good on other people. Surprise: they look stupid on me. I do my makeup the best that I can and try to take a selfie like you do. I pucker my lips, tilt my head, widen my eyes, suck in my cheeks to make my round face appear thinner like it’s supposed to, but I still can't get it right.
I just don't have the right face. The right body. I’m not tall enough. I’m skinny, but not skinny enough. I’m cute and little. I have a baby face that won’t go away. I have short legs. My boring brown hair makes me wonder: maybe I should dye it blonde like yours. I have boring brown eyes, so: maybe I should look up how much blue contacts cost.
I don’t think I will ever achieve the Instagram model status you posses. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wondering what my life would be like if I had all the different body parts I wanted, like longer legs, a tighter belly, beautifully colored hair, big, blue eyes, a thinner face, and so many other features. I know that I can not change who I am or what I look like, and I know someday I’m going to find someone who appreciates that fact that I don't look like these other girls; these Instagram models who somehow are real people walking around on my campus looking like they have the perfect lives. There’s one way that I know of that helps me stop myself from feeling badly about myself, even if it's just for a few weeks.
I unfollowed the girls that made me feel so terribly about my own body and face. They aren't gone from my life for good -- I still see their accounts every once in a while -- but unfollowing them was a huge step in taking back my life.
How can you grow into your own self when your constantly trying to become someone else?
