I was once in your shoes, so understand I'm not here to judge, but simply pick your mind on thoughts I had asked myself after my toxic half had left my life.

I feel like most, if not all of us, have had that person. The one where it makes leaving impossible because you have to envision a world without this human with whom you've devoted so much time and energy to.

For me, imaging that was simply impossible.

At the time.

It was like I put all of the memories of crying myself to sleep, or skipping meals because my stomach was turning-in a box. A box I shoved into the attic and conveniently tried to forget about.

I was always reminded of the box when I walked past the attic, but never once did I anticipate on getting it down in fear I may convince myself being alone was better than being hurt; over and over again.

Because that is what happened.

He promised that what I thought happened didn't happen, and that if I couldn't trust him than our relationship would amount to nothing.

Even when I thought I had every right to be justified in feeling a certain way, somehow each situation turned around with him being the victim, and me pathetically apologizing-once again.

Sometimes his lies were so convincing that I started to wonder if I was overreacting, or being too hard on him. His words were so perfectly worded that I began to question what it was that I was actually implying.

He made me feel wanted and protected-even when actually protecting me was the farthest thing from his mind.

He had a need to be possessive and controlling, and he thrived off of it, and I let it happen.

My feelings were never justified, and my thoughts were never fully heard.

This is what happens when you're in a controlling relationship. The other person doesn't stop valuing you, because he just never started.

I guess I wanted to believe that him telling me what I could and couldn't wear was him caring. I wanted to believe that the times he called me crying, begging me not to leave him were because, he too, couldn't envision a life without me in it.

The truth is, he just wanted me to stay so he could do it again.

That's the thing about pathological liars, they're determined to stop at nothing to achieve exactly what they want: control.

I didn't fully accept this understanding until after my relationship had ended and I was happy with someone who actually loved me. It's easier to compare what's acceptable and whats not when you have someone so genuinely good and kind.

I didn't come to this realization because of anyone else.

It was actually me who finally had enough and had to walk away.

When someone told me I deserved better, when people explained what he did at the party the previous week, when my mom sat me down and said she worried for my health, when my friends pleaded to come to my senses because I was pushing them farther and farther away..

I didn't listen to any of it.

Why?

Because he said people would try and break us up because they were jealous of the kind of love we had. At the time I was so naive, and looking back on it, I feel sorry for the both of us.

Me because I was dumb enough to believe his words.

And him because he had no dignity nor pride to want to be a better man.

I had to come to my senses all on my own.

The more you try to convince someone (who is already insecure as is) that they need to leave a man whom they think they love whole hardheartedly, the more that person is going to try and distance themselves from you.

It's hard, but you have to let us struggle and fend for ourselves. The people who were my good friends back during this chaotic mess of a relationship are still my good friends now. They picked up the pieces I selfishly shattered everywhere around them.

To the girl that keeps going back to the one that hurts her,

I'm really sorry.

I wish someone would have told me this-not because I wanted anyone's pity, but because I know what it feels like to feel as though nothing you do will ever be right for him. I know what it does to your insides when you go to bed not knowing where he is, or if he's in bed with someone else. And lastly, I know what it feels like to know you're putting a person first that continually puts your feelings on the back burner.

And, I. Am. Sorry.

Truly.

I won't tell you to leave him because I know someone in your life has probably told you that before, already.

I won't tell you you deserve more. I'm sure you're sick of hearing it.

I won't tell you that your voice matters because deep down I think you know it does.

What I will tell you is,

one day, you'll look back on this relationship and be so grateful that it happened because I now have my standards set so unbelievably high that only the best of the best try to reach for them.

Because of this man that hurt me more than I could take,

I've learned to let myself be loved more than I thought I ever deserved.

And from the very bottom of my heart,

I can't wait for you to feel that too.

Sincerely,

the girl that's been there also.