Hey, it's been a while.
I know we aren't on speaking terms, but I still think about you. I keep analyzing it. I know I've moved on, and I'm happier now, but you messed me up. You made me feel so completely worthless. I was never good enough for you, and you never let me forget that. For everything good I did for you, you could list off the eighty-five things I got wrong. I still sit here, and worry every other person I date will get mad at me for the same stupid things you got mad about. I walk on eggshells to try to please my new guy, because you taught me that I will screw up just about everything.
You made me work harder than I'd ever had to work for a relationship, and I did it for you in a heart beat. You were my everything, and I realize how bad that really was for me now, but you were a huge chapter in my life, and I still struggle with self-confidence issues that I didn't have before you. I look in the mirror every day, and I still struggle with finding what about me wasn't enough for you, and I have nightmares that I'm not good enough for my boyfriend now. Because of you. You made me cry over you too many times, and somehow I can't bring myself to really hate you.
You were the girl. You were the one that really introduced me to the concept of bisexuality, and you were the first girl I kissed. You were the first girl (Besides Hayley Williams) that I had a crush on. You were the first girl to make my head spin like a record for no apparent reason, and you made me so nervous.
I remember when you broke up with your first serious boyfriend, and we spent all our free time together, and I could barely be within ten feet of you without my whole body wanting to shut down from nerves. My palms were eternally clammy, and my brain wouldn't form sentences properly. I wanted to be your girlfriend so badly, but I couldn't figure out how to tell you until you'd already found someone else. I remember the day you told me about that other guy, and I was heart broken.
Then after that guy, I let you know how I felt, and we kissed, and spent a whole weekend practically connected at the hip, and the hand (Mine were still a little clammy, but I don't think you minded). That week at school I was on cloud nine. I called you my girlfriend to all of my friends, and you never corrected me. I remember planning to dress up in a slutty Harley Quinn-Poison Ivy cosplay for the comic-con we never actually went to, and of course you were Harley because she was your favorite, and I was happy as long as you were.
You texted me that you loved me, and I said it back because I really felt it. I just always wanted to be with you, and I really wanted to keep kissing you, because I loved how it felt (I didn't even mind the braces).You made me so darn happy... Until the next week, when you found some guy you thought was funny and so you wanted to date him instead of me. Once again, I was heart broken, and having to pretend nothing was wrong around you, because your happiness meant so much to me.
I waited for our first kiss for three years. I waited for you for four years. I waited for you to choose me over someone else for five whole years. I waited five years to choose myself over you, and I feel like that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. I put your needs above mine for five years, and you never did it for me once. But that time is over now, and I am so much better off than I was back then.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm a better person than I was back then, and if it wasn't for you, I don't know that I'd be where I am now. So I guess I should be thanking you for ruining me, because it let me put myself back together and become that much stronger.
I miss you Harley, but I don't regret leaving. I don't miss waking up every morning absolutely hating myself because I wasn't worthy of you. I'm sorry if that's not okay with you. I know you hate me, and I have to be okay with that, but a part of me will always care about you.
Love,
Your Ex,
Poison Ivy
