To the friends who think I’ve abandoned them,

I’m in a rut.

Not to say that it’s out of my hands. I know very well I’ve put myself there.

It’s that time where something tipped me over and made me shut down completely to the outside world. It doesn’t have to be anything big; although, it has been at times. Something as simple as a group text can make me crawl into a hole for weeks on end.

In this hole, I don’t want to reach out to anyone. My hole consists of a normal routine without any interactions on my end.

Shutting down to me means I can’t talk to you unless you message me first. Even then, I may not have the energy to message you back.

And for that, I am sorry.

It’s nothing against anyone at this point. I honestly know I’m being a horrible friend, but I can’t help myself.

I know it seems like a burden, and I know I’m being a burden, but it’s just become where my mind will not let me message anyone first or ask anyone to do something first.

I can’t be the only person who has these days, or weeks, in my case currently.

For anyone who thinks I’ve abandoned them because I’ve stopped talking to them or I’ve stopped replying to their messages, I’m sorry.

For anyone who thinks I’ve abandoned them because I haven’t asked to hang out with you in a while, I’m sorry.

For anyone who thinks I’ve abandoned them in any way, shape or form, I’m sorry.

This isn’t a cry for help. Don’t think I’m just lying in bed all day. This “rut routine” can consist of anything from binge-watching some show I'm hooked on, running some errands or going to the gym. Some days, someone will make plans with me, and I’ll spend the day with them.

I’m still interacting with people, but they just have to reach out to me.

I’m not trying to excuse my behavior. In fact, this is a call-out on myself, for not reaching out to my friends. I’m calling myself out on my negative actions that caused people to believe I’ve thrown them in the trash.

We all have those times where we need to keep to ourselves and be alone for a little while. The timing may be inconvenient, but it's important for us to do so. We need time alone to reflect on who we are and what we want to become.

While I'm not sure that's what I'm doing now, please know it's not any fault of my friends.

So, if I haven’t texted first or gotten to you lately, I’m sorry. I’m in a friendship rut only I can pull myself out of.

Sincerely,

Your friend who still loves you