Second semester of my freshman year, and something is happening. Something sad, yet refreshing. Something that makes me question myself as an individual and simply something that has never happened to me before. I am losing, what seems to be, all of my friends.

This is weird to me. People I grew up with at home for eight plus years are now deciding that they don't want to be friends with me.

Am I bitch?

Does it seem like I don't care?

Am I too pushy?

Am I not nice?

Is there a better version of the person I am at their college?

I don't understand why. Not in like a, "I'm perfect why don't people want to be friends with me" type of way but more so a "what the hell is wrong with me do I smell?" type of way. In the least arrogant way possible, I am a pretty good friend. I care deeply for the people near my heart. I try to do something special for people's birthdays, I make an effort when I’ve seen you’ve had a bad day, I help you get ready for a hot date. I try to be there.

When I came to college in the fall, I was almost annoyed with myself by constantly saying "one of my best friends from home." It sounded fake, and as if I was full of bullsh*t, that I had six best girlfriends, but at the time it was true, and sadly now, after six months of college, it is not. All my stories included six girls; six girls I considered my best friends, six girls who I would tell anything to, six girls who had seen me in times of good and times of ugly. Now, out of those six friends I have three. My older sisters always told me how I was never going to keep my high school best girl friends throughout life. I laughed at them. They were going to be my bridesmaids—they are there for me—we are inseparable. I thought.

I noticed changes in personalities and almost an unidentifiable elephant in the room when I came home for Christmas break. I was hoping for laughter, stories and gossip about roommates but rather I got crickets. No one had anything to share, or maybe wanted to tell, because our friendship was not relevant to them anymore.

And I just wondered…

What happened to the girl who sat with me when no one else would in seventh grade when I was being bullied?

Do you not remember the time you were crying and throwing up, and I held your hair and listened as you explained your eating disorder?

When I called you "my person" because I thought I could never have anyone as trustworthy in my life as you.

I cried, one after one, as I saw the person I loved so much leave my life. At first I thought it was me, but now after advice from my friends here and older family members, I have realized that are paths are separating. We are no longer the innocent high school girls who have no worries, student loans or idea what we want to do with our lives. My old friends and I are now, arguably, living. We are now choosing a life that we are creating for ourselves, rather than one we were put into by our parents. Now, as I see one of my old friend’s Facebook posts that I don’t necessarily agree with, I have to realize that they are not me, and we are on different roads. I learned through all these lost friendships that I cannot be crying about the past when in college all I can hope for is a bright future.

I'm not widely intelligent, I don't always make good choices, I'm not always nice; I am not perfect. And I'm not trying to be. What I’m trying to be is a better version of myself after these four years of college. I'm trying to develop, become better educated, learn from my peers and grow. I'll make mistakes and use the lessons as ways to become better.

College is where I will grow.

College is where I will be the best version of myself.

College is where I will surround myself with the people I'm proud to call my friends and are a good representation of who I am.

College is where I will set up a life for myself.

I’ve learned and continue to learn how a lot happens in college, and from those experiences, we break away and find new friends.

I am grateful for the people I currently have in my life. I feel blessed to be surrounded by people who are willing to put effort into a friendship and are constantly there for me. And to the people who don’t think I’m worthy for a friendship with them, I’m OK with that. After realizing the difference in their college experience and mine, I see that I need to go on a different path than they plan to go on. I need to make new connections, have experiences that fit who I am and create a circle with smaller and better friends.