To the friend I pushed away

As a best friend, I had an unspoken duty to protect you. You were young, and I considered you as a little sister. You always had my back, and in return I always made sure you had my shoulder, when you needed to cry. From calls at 1 AM about how your boyfriend was being horrible, to rumors flying around school about you, I was there every time. Our friendship was a very balanced relationship. I kept us grounded, and you pushed me out of my comfort zone, and made me try new things. For that, I cannot thank you enough. When things went wrong, we faced it together. I made no secret as to how I felt about certain aspects in our lives, and you always knew where I stood on things. You knew from the very beginning that I was not afraid to tell it like I saw it, and for a while you accepted it. That is, until I saw how that boyfriend from before was treating you, and told you what I thought. Then you had a problem with it. I'm not going to get into the details, because honestly we wore that fight out. I'm writing this to you because there are things I need to say.

First off, I'm sorry that this ended up with me ultimately having to cut us apart. I regret that more than you will ever know. I'm sorry that I pushed you away, but I'm not sorry for what i said. I still believe that no one should have to check in with their significant other when they go somewhere, nor do I believe that they have the right to dictate where you go, and who you go with. But I guess that is just me, because you seemed to have very little problem with it, therefore I should have been ok with it too. As long as you were happy, right? But you WEREN'T happy; at least, you never acted like you were. Every single time we got to hang out, you always had negative things to say about him, and what he said or what he did. Can you blame me for disliking him so much? You hardly ever had a good thing to say about him, and he made you cry more times than i can count. I told you he wasn't worth it, that he was manipulative and inconsiderate. I told you this a lot, because it progressively got worse. I felt it was my duty to make sure he was up to par, and he failed. I shouldered that duty gladly, because I loved you like my sister and I hated when you were upset. Can you blame me for wishing he would just go away?

I don't think you realize how much it hurt when you told me "you didn't have have time for me" anymore, especially when i always had time for you. Was it because I was busy for a while? I was just starting college at one of the most rigorous universities in the country, and I still had my responsibilities at home. I thought you understood. Or was it because I was tired of you always complaining about him, but refusing to do anything about it? He never tried to hide how much he disliked me, and even went so far as to private message me about it. But you knew that, because I sent the whole conversation to you. He always had nothing but mean things to say about me, but what did you do about it? Nothing. While I was read the riot act every time I called him out, he was let off. That hurt too. After a while I realized you weren't going to do anything, so I quit being serious about it and I thought it had become a joke between friends. I guess I was the only one laughing.

i never told you this, but that first week I cried. A lot. I don't understand why, because I don't cry. After Sarah died, I cried all my tears, and realized crying doesn't do anything but smear make-up. Since then, I've cried maybe 3 times; until I broke our friendship off. I cried every night for a week, because it felt like losing Sarah all over again. After she died, it took me forever to let myself have close friends again, and when I finally let it happen, I pushed you away. I think what hurt worse was watching you delete our pictures, and replacing them with pictures of you and him. I never asked you to choose, but you obviously had chosen. So I did what any good friend would: I let you go. I told you I was done, and that you didn't have to put up with me anymore. I'm sorry I had to do that, but I'm not sorry for what I said. I still don't think he's good enough for you, but it's not my call.

If you read this, please don't think I'm asking for your forgiveness or your pity. I don't think I did anything to warrant needing to be forgave. I told you in the beginning I wouldn't change for anyone, I never made that a secret. But I do want you to know that I miss you, and think of our fun memories a lot, and I look on them fondly. I hope nothing but happiness for you, even if it isn't what I think happiness looks like. My shoulder is always open, no need to ask. Even if we aren't friends anymore.