To the boy who will love me past my anxiety,
Please, try to understand anxiety has consumed my life for many years. This plague has cost me friendships, relationships, and so much more. It's hard to ask you to understand something I barely understand myself. I apologize everytime I think I've done something wrong- which let's be honest, that's everytime I speak. I've become consumed in thinking I'm a burden to you. I basically apologize for my existence. I've become trapped inside my own mind, and my mind loves to torture me.
I want to say I'm sorry. I know you've told me a hundred times, "there's nothing to be sorry for, you've done nothing wrong". Perhaps you see it that way. I'm not necessarily apologizing for my anxiety in general. I'm apologizing for the late night calls and interuptions because hearing your voice is more soothing than most of my calming methods. I want to apologize for the times I can't tell you "what's wrong" or "why" because I don't always know. I want to apologize for the fuure times I'm gonna fall apart and call you 8 times before I begin to feel guilty for those same 8 phone calls. I want to say sorry for the times I'm going to lose my temper towards you because my mind goes haywire.
Then I want to assure you that I will get better. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but I will get better. I don't want you to lose hope in me. I don't want you to think that this is the way I am all the time. I can't tell you it will be easy because it won't. My anxiety may last for hours, maybe days... and in the worst moments, it could last for months. I will try to push you away. Not because I want you to leave me; in fact, the opposite is true. I will push you away because I think I'm not good enough, or that I'm causing you pain. I will push you away under the ideaology that I'm doing what's best for you.
Despite my anxiety, in time you will see, I'm the happiest and most loving person. Yes, many times I'll probably piss you off, worry you, and you'll hate me at times, but don't leave until you see the way I love. It will take me time, but when I love, I love fearlessly and unconditionally. I will put you before me and make sure you are never unsure about my love for you. I will treat you as a king and never let you feel less than what you are, wonderful. I won't let you be upset and hopeless; I will spend every moment attempting to make you smile again. I will always put on a brave face for you when you are hurting. I will share your burdens and be there for you, even when my life is falling to pieces. I will always care for you emotoinally and physically. If you're sick, I'll be there to take care of your every need.
Many say I'm overly loving and committed... I just ask you to understand me in my darkest moments. Understand that my anxiety is NOT me. Don't leave me until you see me, the real me..
