To the boy who was too afraid to love me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you lost out on something so great and everlasting because you would have rather settled for something mediocre and in the moment. I'm sorry that you were too caught up in the current moment, and even the past, to realize what was standing right in front of you. I'm sorry that while you were trying to figure you out, you brought me down with you. After days, weeks, and even months of these thoughts running circles in my head like a rollercoaster that I couldn't find my way off of, I realized that it truly was not me; it was you.
It's you, because you played games for weeks, months even. It was back and forth, up and down, left and right all at the same time. It was he said, she said, and "I never said that," "I told you how I felt". When it seemed like the same page was being read by the both of us, plot twist after plot twist found its way into the drawn out chapter that was being written. It's you, because while I pulled, you pushed; like an endless game of tug-of-war that both of us were too stubborn to let up on. It's you, because I would have given you the world and so much more, but you were too blind to recognize that. It's you, because I would have loved you fearlessly. It's you, because you missed out one of the best damn things that would have happened to you.
But what I've learned through all of this, is that you can't make someone believe that they deserve to be loved in the very best of ways, that they really do deserve true happiness. No matter how many times you tell someone that, no matter how much you try to prove that to them and show them, if they don't believe it for themselves, it's a lost cause, for that is something that only an individual soul can learn and find out for themselves. No matter how bad it hurts seeing them settle for less than they deserve, you cannot help a person who doesn't want to help themselves, even if you get hurt in the process of them hurting.
The number of beds you've shared doesn't make you an expert at love. The amount of times the words "I love you" have come out of your mouth, doesn't mean you've ever felt what true love is. It can be strung hundreds of different ways, but from my perspective whether it's right or wrong, you were just a boy who was scared of something real and raw, but especially, right for you. You were scared of letting someone in to see the deepest parts of you; the skeletons in your closet, even if to me it had felt like we had already crossed that bridge. You were scared of love, of happiness. You were scared that this too, would be burned down, like everything else in your past that you left in a deserted warpath.
What used to be "Why wasn't I good enough for you?", turned into "I am too good for you," in the least conceited, stuck up way possible. It transitioned into that because when you realize your worth, when you realize that you are worth the love of a lifetime, you realize who actually is deserving of the love that you have to give, and who isn't. But just because that worth was realized, doesn't stop me from wishing deep down that you would come back and be the man you said you were going to be.
Most importantly, what I've learned is that my heart is not a resting place for bystanders, but rather my heart is a home for the person who deserves to reside there forever. It's not for "maybes" or "I have to figure things out," it's for "yes, you're the one I want" and "I wouldn't want to be with anyone else". It's for certainty, not skepticism.
At the end of the day, you will never be able to predict whose soul you will get to see, who you will connect with, for it's always the ones that you least expect. And to me, there was an undeniable connection between the two of us. One that I wasn't sure you just weren't catching on to, or one that you blatantly ignored because you were aware of how strong it was. My wish for you though, is that one day you feel for someone else what I felt for you, and you are able to give them everything that I only wished to be able to give to you. Because you do deserve true happiness and love, you deserve to make someone feel like they are the only thing that matters in the world, all the while you feeling the same way back.
