To the Boy Whom I Thought was Different from the Rest:

When I met you, I was in a rough place. The last relationship I was in had broken me emotionally, but I was willing to move forward even though the hurt had occurred two months prior to meeting you. I tried to close myself off from the world, meet new people, and distract myself from the loneliness that filled my heart and the frustration that filled my head.

Until I met you.

Why was everyone so drawn to you? Why did everyone try so hard to become your friend; to impress you? Why did everyone stare in your direction? Why were you so friendly? Why were you so nice?

Why did you lead me on?

I got each answer to each of those questions in due time. Each of those times are times I cherished, and still do until this very day.

It was an amazing journey getting to you know on that one single night where we just stared up at the sky and talked for hours. And I had learned-

That you were just like me.

You had just gotten out of a relationship that left you broken emotionally. You were hurt. You were lonely. You were frustrated. You were trying to distract yourself from the inner feelings that nibbled away at the happiness you tried to create to fill the void. You instantly opened yourself up to me; without asking for my permission or revealing hesitation. You just spoke what was on your mind. It took me by surprise, but I still listened. From one heartbroken person to another.

All I could do is relate to you by opening myself up to you. One thing I tried to avoid doing; but you made me comfortable enough to reveal my own pain. I can even remember the way you looked at me while I tried to give you my outlook on our situations. You were empathetically and thoroughly listening, which I appreciated on so many levels. We went on to talk about so many other subjects that were mutually important to us - what we studied at school, what we wanted to accomplish with our degrees and our lives, even the rivalry between our high schools. I didn’t get home until 6 a.m. the next morning. I went home on even changed my skype status to:

“I had the best night of my life.”

Now I understood. I understood why everyone praised you and put you on a high pedestal. I understood why everyone wanted to be around you and why you were so friendly. You cared so much about your family, your friends, the people who had impacted your life. You cared about your education, and wanted to make something of yourself, even if it meant sacrificing your friendships with others. You were hilarious even when you knew how hard your situation was, you were so optimistic about life.

That’s when I fell for you. Hard.

I remember the next day, we were so excited to see one another. We had a scene together, where we got to hold hands and sing to each other. Gosh, I was one lucky girl. Little did I know.

That it only went downhill from there.

You know what - you were different in a couple of ways. You had this thing where you consistently kept breaking my heart but sown it all back together. You kept people in the dark about your real intentions. You hurt me knowing you did, but acting like you didn’t.

You were different; in all the wrong ways.

I still wonder what were those meetups at the mall where we told each our life stories mean to you? What did that night that you opened to me mean to you? What were all those nights where we just talked until the morning mean to you? What did all the times we played video games and stayed over my house mean to you? What did that small vacation we took to a friend’s beach house down the shore mean to you?

Ultimately - what did I mean to you?

Even after I confessed my feelings to you months later, I never found out what I meant to you. You left me in the dark. Even when I urged you to just flat out say if you didn’t feel the same, you refused. You left me with this:

“I don’t know what it is to like someone anymore.”

Then why did you hold my hand? Why did you tell me I was really pretty? Why did you call me your dream girl? Why did you invite me to hang out with you on the weekend you were home so we can hang out and “see what happens?” Why did you give me false hope?

Why?

It was only until recently that I found out what your plans were for yourself. You never cared about my feelings. You knew I liked you, but you didn’t like me for me - you just liked the attention I gave you. You also liked the attention from girls in general. Here I was, who fell hard for you, stupidly. Here I was again - replaying the pain I had experienced earlier that year.

But I actually want to thank you.

Thank you for not liking me back. Thank you for leaving me in the dark. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for all those times you made me smile and made me hurt. Thank you giving me my first summer fling and for giving me memories I sure won’t forget.

I sound, crazy don’t I? Let me explain why these things are more precious than the feelings I once had for you.

Because of what happened - I’ve been changed for good. I worked harder in school to be better than you. I got a job to distract myself from thinking about you. I got an internship to show you that I am better without you. I moved up to executive boards in the organizations I participate in to prove to you that I am over you. I picked up so many responsibilities to show you:

That I don’t want you anymore nor need you in general.

And seeing you stare at me constantly from across the room the other day after months of not talking or seeing each other - was probably the new best day of my life. You already knew. You knew that I didn’t like you, nor wanted to have anything to do with you.

Now we had switched places. It was me everyone was drawn to. It was me who everyone wanted to befriend and impress . And in return, I accepted them and shown it through my own friendliness and kindness.

So thank you for the emotional adventure, and thank you for hurting me. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Love,

The Girl Who Turned Out Different in the End