First, I need to apologize to you. I know that it isn't easy now and it isn't going to get any easier. You are walking into an abandoned war zone full of buried feelings and rubble left from a war that wasn't yours. It can't be easy expecting me to know exactly what to do and getting something different. It can't be easy when you say heartfelt comments and they fall on deaf ears. I know that none of this is fair to you - you didn't know how broken I was when you first met me. You're slowly learning just how bad everything is in my head, and I really don't think it was what you expected. I hate that you are dealing with any of it, but I am grateful that you are deciding to stick around.
I am glad that you are patient, I'm going to need that. I'm quick to get offended and angry. I'm quick to argue too, which you already know. Arguing is the only thing that I have ever known in a relationship, I don't know how to stop it yet. You are calm and patient and always show me that you care, even when I'm ready to bite your head off at the smallest wrong move. It doesn't always stop me from being angry, but it lets me know that you aren't like the guys before. You aren't going to stand around and scream back at me, and I really need that from you.
I need you to understand that a part of me isn't really me right now. I used to be unafraid of trust and affection and everything that came with a relationship. I like to think of myself as someone who dives right into something without really thinking about the consequences. And I was. But I did that once and it didn't really turn out so well. The guys before you were not as kind and caring as you are. They weren't genuine when they told me that they cared, and that has really scared me. Now I can't be that girl who isn't afraid to jump in head first. All I think about are the consequences. The closer we get, the more I think about how hurt I have been in the past and how awful it was. Trust is hard to come by and it's something that he made me afraid to feel. For that, I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that I can't take everything you say blindly and with ease. I hate it way more than you do, I'm sure. I hate that you talking to another girl twists my insides around until I'm on the verge of tears. I hate that I automatically start to roll my eyes when you tell me I'm beautiful. I know how it must make you feel...so I'm sorry for that.
Nothing in my life feels the same. Someone hurt me very, very badly. It felt like my whole world was crumbling down and I would have to fix it myself. In the midst of trying to rebuild what was broken, I found you. Ever since, there is a beacon of light in my life. There is hope that not everyone is going to bring pain into my life. There is more laughter now than there has been in my entire life. You are a breath of fresh air after what felt like suffocating. You are different from anything that I have ever known, and for that I am so grateful.
It's so hard to put all that I feel into words, but I can't thank you enough for walking into my life right when I needed you.
