To the boy who didn’t really love me,
The concept of love to our generation is hushed words and whispers. Something guys don’t talk about to their friends. Everyone fears using the words and letting out the truth. The truth is I loved you, maybe more than I loved myself. I allowed myself to get lost in your words and swoon at the raise of your lips. I never loved anyone like I loved you, and I don’t know if I ever will again. I put more effort into you then I ever received in return. I only hope one day you look back at all I gave you and realize what a loss you took. You had someone willing to move heaven and earth to stay in your arms. Maybe I was a fool for believing that each time you told me things were going to be different you meant it. Looking back, I see myself making excuses for your absence to every event possible. Believing that when you said you would make time for me, you would. But you never did, and you never will. For believing that you cared about me more than you ever have anyone else. I was foolish to believe you could change to treat me the way I deserved to be treated. You see the problem with guys like you is it’s always on your terms. You give what you want, are absent when you choose to be, were only together when you want, and you walk away when you decide. You’ll never be the guy who shows up at my house at 3 am when I’m in pain, you won’t go out of your way for me, you only know how to be absent. You’ll never be the one to make me feel like I’m enough for you because you made the mistake of always looking for someone else. Which is crazy because I have and would’ve done anything for you. And honestly I can’t just blame you because I allowed it to be that way. I thought I was strong for holding on so long, I believed in the love we shared. So maybe it wasn’t just you that was toxic but also me for running in circles that would lead me to the same place.
Growing up I was always taught that love was easy, natural almost. So why when I was laying in my bed clutching my side in despair did I believe this was the love I deserved? I fell for your dark hair and charm every time. All you had to do was simply utter the words “I miss you” and no matter what time it was I was right there. When did it become acceptable to treat me the way you have begun to treat me? When did you decide I wasn’t worth the fight anymore? I have so many questions that I know will go unanswered. I just don’t understand when my love became unimportant, when my touch no longer brought you to your knees, when you could look me in the eyes and walk away. You only want me when I begin to find happiness within myself. And yet to this very moment if you were to tell me you loved me I would be right there at your side. When did I become this pathetic version of myself, a version I no longer recognize.
Crazy to admit but even to this day, with all the pain upon my shoulders, I wish you nothing but happiness. I wish you’d learn to love everything I love about you. I wish you would notice the way your eyes light up when discussing cars, or how you squint your nose when you smile. I wish you would love how you snore in your sleep or how you always give more than you expect in return. I wish you’d stop allowing other people to take advantage of you, and you’d start doing things for yourself. I wish you’d grow up and learn to accept love. I know that the person you end up with will no longer be me, and I’ve come to terms with that. Promise me something, promise that the next girl who loves everything about you, you learn to love back. Don’t settle for someone who won’t sit and watch you fix your car for hours, who won’t drive to your house at 5 am when you get off work, who won’t make your happiness a priority. When you find a girl who loves you, love her back with everything you have. I wish this for you because I know all you can be and want all of that for you and more. Thank you for showing me how to love someone so deeply and for making me a better me.
Xoxo,
The girl who loved you more than you ever loved me.
