It's been a long time. You have your own life now, and I have mine. I see you occasionally in my Facebook feed because I am still friends with your family and I know you see some of mine because you're still friends with my some of my family. Your profile appears in my "People You May Know" tab a lot because we have a lot of mutual friends. I would be lying if I said I didn't click it to see what you're up to these days. Before you jump to conclusions, let me explain where I am going with this.
You broke my heart the day you told me you were breaking up with me. I felt my world crashing down, I felt my heart break and I didn't know what to do. I know that it hurt you to do what you did to me. Watching you walk away, I felt someone had just shot me in the heart. I was left picking up your speculations, the "maybes" and the "what ifs?" For the next year, I struggled. I felt pathetic for taking so long to heal, part of me clinging to you possibly coming back. I tried to keep communication open, even though I knew it was the last thing you wanted. I know you felt pain from this too, even though for forever, I convinced myself you were cold and you enjoyed my pain. You were kind to me, to talk to me when I texted you. You kept the conversation light and formal, and it was painful, but it helped me in the long run.
It hurt like hell when you started dating again. I remember the first time I saw you two together. I felt as if I were going to throw up. I tried to stuff my emotions down and I introduced myself to her. She knew exactly who I was and in my pain, it seemed as if she was mocking me. You avoided eye contact with me. I spent that night crying into my pillow while pouring over letters, notes and pictures we had together.
Over a period of a year, I harbored intense resent towards you, and towards your new girl. I felt angry, I felt betrayed, and I felt worthless. Your girlfriend even reached out to me in a very humble and sweet way. I felt appreciative of her sincerity and care for me. I extended my apologies for my resent to her as well. I knew deep in my heart that she did nothing to deserve that. She had every right to love you and you had every right to love her. I still had a hard time accepting and it still hurt me to see you two together, so I found myself constantly coming off as rude, just to avoid the pain. I distanced myself and I know you detested me for the way I acted.
Quite a while ago, I found myself viewing a picture of you two after not seeing anything for months. I stared at the picture and I found myself smiling and crying. For the first time in forever, I found myself without resent, without pain and without any of those previous emotions I had displayed and felt towards you. I looked at this picture and I found myself smiling at how happy you two looked. I saw how much you two love each other and how much you two are meant to be together.
I was young when my heart was broken. I was invested in what we had. It took me longer than I am willing to admit to come back from that pain. But here I am now, as an adult with a beautiful life in front of her. I have learned to love again and I am so happy. So here is my point in writing my very interesting feelings. I just wanted to say I am deeply sorry for the pain I caused you after we went in different directions. I have grown up a lot since then and I know what I did was wrong. I am sorry for being selfish. I am sorry for everything. I know we were young and dumb long ago when we were together. So I want to say thank you as well. Thank you for being strong enough to walk away when I wanted to fight to keep you. Looking at things now, it lead to so much better things for both of us in the long run. We are both happy, we both have love and we have both been shaped in different ways by what happened between us. I am thankful for that season in my life that involved you. It is a memory and a step to who I have become today.
I don't know if I would ever have the courage to share this with you, but I wanted to put it out there anyways. I wish you all the best in life, in your pursuits and in your relationship. And again, I am truly happy for you.
