Wow. It’s been four years. Four long years of wondering where you are and what you’re doing. Wondering if you’re happy in your relationship now and wondering if you still think about me sometimes the way I think about you. Everyone used to tell me that I didn’t love you- that I was too young to know what love truly was. They said I was a silly little freshman girl being blindsided by the cute upperclassman boy who gave her attention. They said it wouldn’t last and that you wouldn’t matter to me one day. Let me tell you, I wish more than anything that that was the case.
Recently, as I watch my younger brother with his girlfriend, I see what we used to be. I see the homecoming pictures, I see the dates, and I see the hours spent with someone who you truly don’t want to be without. I see my mom getting angry because all they do is hang out with each other. I see the way he looks at her and I see the way she looks at him and it definitely takes me back. I see all of that and I am just now realizing that we may have been young and dumb, but boy we were in love.
I really was blindsided by you. I was this innocent freshman girl, with no self-esteem and no boyfriend prior to you. I was so insecure, but somehow you made me feel beautiful. You made me feel like I meant something to someone and it really had been such a long time since I felt that way. When I met you something changed for me. All I wanted to do was be around you and your energy. I wanted your friends to be my friends and I wanted what you wanted to do so you could be happy. I wanted to support you and push you, and let you know how proud of you I was for anything you accomplished. Your personality made me feel alive and comfortable. Knowing that you were there gave me an extra push to be the best person I could be.
You were my first everything. My first date. My first real kiss. My first love. After we broke up, my mom always used to tell me “you will always have a special place for your first love.” I used to brush it off. I used to say that I hated you and that I never loved you or that I didn’t care what you did. The truth is, I always cared and I still do. As ridiculous as it sounds (and feels), when I see you with a new girl there is always that twinge of jealousy. That “I had that first” kind of feeling rushes over me and I find myself feeling utterly confused and flustered. I shouldn’t be jealous. I should be happy for you, but I can’t help but play back the memories of what we were and fantasize about what we could be now, four years later.
Sometimes I feel like I will never find someone who makes me feel that way again. I feel like I am going to be constantly looking to fulfill the dreams that I had for you and I and that nothing will ever measure up. I still get butterflies when I see you. I still think about your family. I still get sad when I see our memories come up on my Timehop. Sometimes I want to reach out to you and ask if you remember that moment or if you remember how you felt the second the picture was taken the way I do. Sometimes I want to ask if you remember our late night conversations, our Facetime calls, or our summer days spent with only each other. Sometimes I want to ask you if you ever did love me, or if you said it because you thought you did. I want to know if you remember the moment you told me you loved me the way I do or if you just let that slip away with everything else.
Sometimes, if I think about it too much, I get angry. I feel like I want to question you and question why you left. I want to ask you why you would throw something so good away or how you felt comfortable with going to find someone new so fast. Sometimes I wonder if you kept everything I gave you. If you have a box of things from us the way I do that just sits there and is only opened on accident every once in awhile or if you managed to throw everything away with our relationship. I feel as though there are so many things that remained unanswered for so long that I never truly got any closure from the whole breakup. I never really got “the why” and unfortunately I don’t believe I ever will. I don’t think that I will ever fully understand why I feel like this still after so many years. I don’t think I will ever understand why I still get butterflies or why I still think about you more often than you think about me. I don’t think I will ever understand any of that, but what I do understand is that I loved you, you broke my heart, and to this day I still strive to love and be loved the way we loved one another so long ago. ‘
This isn’t meant to be sad or to make you feel guilty. This was really meant to be a thank you- a thank you for loving me in the purest way that I will ever be loved. Thank you for giving me almost two years of friendship and of love. Thank you for giving me some of the best memories and some of the best times and most of all thank you for giving me a chance to love you while I could.
