A novel written by Jenny Han titled "To All the Boys I Loved Before" inspired me to write this article. The story is about a young girl who writes a letter to each boy she ever loved and she hides them in a box. It is her way of gaining closure from the relationship. Her secret letters accidentally get mailed to all five of the boys she loved and her love life turns from calm to out of control.

So this is my letter of closure to the boy I loved the most.

It is funny how in elementary school you are first learning about the differences between boys and girls. Young kids don't have a care in the world, most of the time. But as you get older you start to feel the pressures that your other classmates are unintentionally giving.

I remember most of my friends would always talk about what boys were cute. My first memory of "liking" boys was in the first grade. My first crush was Leo. He was my crush because all of my friends liked him. Later on as I got older, I started getting more crushes and feeling the pressures of being in a relationship. I thought every guy I was dating was going to be the "one." Sad truth is that never happened. I got my heart broken a lot. Looking back at it now, I don't think my heart was ever really broken. The idea that everyone portrayed about love was a lie which hurt the most. I did not know any better. I was a girl trying to figure out what she wanted. If I would have stayed with my first ever boyfriend that would have been a disaster.

As you get older, you start to think about your goals and what you want in life which by the way is constantly changing. In the eighth grade, when teachers first started talking about college I would tell them I do not want to go to college. I am already putting in enough time right now, don't you think?

Yea, I had a bit of an attitude.

The one person that keeps coming to mind when I think of boys is someone I honestly would call my first love. We met our freshman year of high school and he was the cute bad boy everyone wanted to be with. We became best friends and even became friends with benefits for a second there. Throughout high school he played so many mind games on me that I started to question myself. I started to become insecure. I started to do things most insecure girls at that age do in order to get a boys attention.

This boy changed my life for the good and the bad. He made me feel wanted but only on his conditions. He made me feel pretty but only once in a while. He manipulated me into being someone less than what I deserved.

Funny thing is that after four years of friendship I ended up dated this boy for almost two years. Yea, long story short I am surprised it lasted that long. Our love story did not start off the best and surely did not end very well. For a long time, I thought it should've worked out, it could've gotten better. We could've had something magical. I had hope that eventually we would get back together. Maybe he will change, maybe he will realize how much I sacrificed to be with him. Nothing ever changed. Even after several, I hate you messages back and forth, there wasn't enough love there to save us. And if you were to talk to him about why it ended he would say I was a control freak who did not trust him. Trust is something that is earned. It is hard to earn just when I find out he is hanging out with a girl late at night until the sun comes up.

The moral of the story is that people will do anything to find the love of their lives so quickly without acknowledging the warning signs. For me, there was four years of warning signs. But I ignored it because I wanted to be happy so badly.

It is interesting at such a young age you are beginning to be socialized into this crazy person obsessed with having a boyfriend, obsessed with getting the "bad" boy, obsessed with the idea that a relationship will make you happy.

That is not the case though. Even with all our troubles with my first love, he will always be my first love. The night we broke up is still so vivid in my mind. When I think about that night, I can still feel his body shaking against mine as we say goodbye for the last time. Knowing that there is no turning back.

This boy taught me so much about importance of trust, loyalty, and honesty in a relationship that when I started dating again I had a huge wall built up because I was scared of getting hurt again. I knew that the next guy I would be with would find a way to break down those walls because he would know that I was worth it.

So to the boy I loved the most, thank you for letting me go. I am sorry that we did not work out but if it wasn't for the biggest heartache I experienced I would not be the person I am today. I have more confidence, I have more drive, I love myself and I found someone who loves me.

So in other words, if you would've stayed just a little bit longer, if you would've been a little bit nicer, and if you would've lied just a little less you could've had the most amazing girl in the world!