There are a lot of things I don't want to know. For example, my grades, how much money is in my bank account, my weight, and what my future holds. There are things that I absolutely hate doing, like letting people down, calling people back, and checking my email.
But then, there are times when I hate not knowing.
I hate not knowing how someone feels about me. I hate not knowing if I said the wrong thing. If I offended them or made them upset, or if they're mad at me, I hate not knowing how people feel about me.
I guess what I'm saying is, I need constant reassurance. I'm finally coming to terms with that. It's not something I'm exactly proud of. At 22, I don't want to feel like I'm still constantly searching for people's approval, but that's not necessarily the case.
It's not that I want to impress anyone or make them like me more than someone else. I just live in constant fear that I'm not making someone happy.
I guess that comes back to living with anxiety. Even the slightest change of tone in someone's voice, or answering a text message with one word, I take it personally. I automatically panic and think that it's my fault and that their change in mood is a direct result of something I had said.
Really, it has nothing to do with me.
I hate that I take things too personally, so add that to the list above.
I always feel responsible for making people in my life happy. I want them to smile 24/7. Do I know that's completely ridiculous and impossible? Of course. But it doesn't mean it's silly. I think it's good to want your friends and family to be happy, to genuinely want what's best for them.
When they're sad or having a bad day, it makes me sad as well. When I have no idea if someone is mad at me or upset with me, it ruins my mood. It's all I can think about.
I want to make everyone in my life feel cared about. I want them to feel like at the end of the day they are never alone.
I think the hardest pill for me to swallow is that not everyone is willing to do the same for me. I'm starting to understand that that's okay, too. We all have different friendships and relationships that serve us with different benefits from each.
We all have that one friend that we go to when we want to laugh, another friend we go to when we need a shoulder to cry on, and the one friend that is always down to do some reckless things. Each friendship brings something different to the table. We can't expect our funny friend to know what to say to console us and empathize with when we're crying.
It's silly to expect things from people who we know are incapable of reciprocating. This used to really bother me, and at times, it still does. I want to fix them. I want them to be able to talk to me about personal things. I want my funny friends to cry sometimes. I want my friend who's always the life of the party to sit down and watch TV with me. But I know that's not how the cookie crumbles.
At 22, I want to learn how to expect less from people. I want to learn how to stop giving a damn. I want to stop searching for clarity in other people's actions towards me. I want to live my life without being in constant fear of disapproval.
I know that's not going to happen overnight; it's going to take time, but I'm going to really start trying. I expect so much out of myself. It's time I start expecting less from everyone else, and only needing my opinion of myself.
