Please understand that what you did to me isn’t okay. Please understand that telling people that you did not do it doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. Please understand that looking me in the eyes and telling me that you’re sorry doesn’t make up for your words or your actions. Please understand that this whole time, I knew. I knew what you were doing. I knew where you were. I knew who you were with. I knew it the whole time. The thing is, I loved you so much that I refused to believe myself.
When my friends told me that they saw you with her, I was shocked. I believed them, but I wanted to be enough for you. I wanted to be enough so bad that I refused to believe them. I refused to accept the fact that I wasn’t enough for you. I refused to lose you.
I was so in love with you that when I actually saw what you were doing, I was quick to forgive. I didn’t make you wait. You didn’t see the pain that you caused me. You didn’t see my tears or my hurt. You didn’t see me cry myself to sleep. I told you I forgave you and for you, that was enough. When I would get comfortable with you again, all the signs that showed me what you were doing before came back. Again, I knew, but I was in a state of denial. I didn’t want to believe it. All I wanted was to be enough. I wanted you to want me and love me as much as I wanted and loved you. When the truth about you surfaced again, you were quick to apologize and I was quick to forgive. You still never saw my tears, you never saw my pain, you never saw me cringe.
The love that I had for you began to falter. It began to fade. The way I saw you started to change. You became something like a bad habit rather than an adrenaline rush.
Once upon a time, I saw you as someone that I could spend my entire life with. You were the only one that I wanted. You were the only one that I looked at with a sense of attraction. Anyone that knows me can confirm that.
The sad part about all of this is that I haven’t given up on you. I haven’t stopped loving you. I haven't stopped praying for you. I haven’t stopped crying over you. I haven’t stopped believing in you. I haven’t stopped supporting you. I haven’t even, for half of a second, stopped thinking about you.
You hurt me. You lied to me. You deceived me. I forgave you. I genuinely forgave you. I will always love you. My hopes and my dreams are still with you, but I physically am not.
Someone once told me “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I don’t want to believe that’s who you are.
From,
The One Who is Still Here
