Dear Squad/ Fam/ Old friend group,

I'd like to affirm that I'm not formulating this with a malicious undertone. This piece isn't meant to be shady. What I want is, to be honest with all of you.

Our individual friendships were the world to me. Often times, I worried too much about your lives and emotions that I put myself last. I'm not blaming you for my feelings. In fact, it taught me how to detach myself from investing my time in matters that don't concern me. I don't regret the time we spent together whether it was driving around, staying up late (even though I fell asleep first at 10 a.m) watching horror movies, or roasting each other. They're memories I will never forget and will fondly reflect on as a part of my high school career.

I met all of you freshman year (or prior to) so thanks for supporting me when I was in my emo phase. Having three years to bond, hurt, grow, and learn from each other can involve more than arguments. We rarely argued until it was the end and if we did, it was awkward silence for weeks and a puddle of apologetic tears. While we knew each other for a brief time, our experiences allowed me to learn these things about myself:

1.) I worry too much about what other people think.

2.) I fear confrontation and it's damaging to my health and relationships.

3.) I am worth something.

4.) I need to put myself first more often.

5.) Sorry is simply not enough.

I apologized far too much for things that I didn't do. I'm not saying that I was a saint in every situation because all of us have done something to each other whether it was accidental or intentional. You often assumed that I said or wrote something that was targeting you individually. While most of the time I was falsely accused in those situations, I'm sorry when it was true. Discussing any of our issues on Twitter was unnecessary and I never subtweet because of the consequences. Not only does it hurt others but only band-aids my anger for a short while. I know most of you bitterly mentioned me indirectly after we stopped talking. I can't hold onto internet feuds that were over nothing, especially when I will never see you again.

A lot of our arguments happened because I said "No." I have a right to say no. You've said "no" to me whether it be about borrowing clothes, hanging out, or asking someone a question for me. I didn't make alternative plans to get my way or believed we weren't friends because of it- I coped with rejection. Thank you for showing me that I can say "no" and the world won't end.

All of you knew that I grew up with distant, relatively small family. Looking into your lives of dysfunction, experience as well as personal struggle gave me comfort. It made me feel as if I wasn't the only kid that had similar issues. Slowly you became my family, as crazy as it sounds. We had political as well as religious disagreements, variations in musical taste, and opposing opinions but we needed each other. I needed you when I couldn't cope. I needed you when I was repeatedly hurt by the same person. While most of those times you simply replied, "That sucks I'm sorry" it meant so much to me. I wanted a close family and you guys gave me one when I couldn't accept that mine wasn't.

I've learned that there is a fine line between a healthy relationship and a manipulative relationship. Thank you for that.

I've learned that people that can't support me don't deserve me.

I've learned that being "shady" is really just being an ass. It's funny at times but the humor has an undertone of head-ass.

As close as we were I didn't feel valued. I didn't feel valued because of how much I tried to fight for everyone- when it was me, everyone would get worried about how they would look. That contributed to me no longer trying to get involved with other people's issues.

I've had several friend groups since I had moved here and none of them had affected me as much as ours did. Negatively? Definitely. Positively? Yes.

Thank you for allowing myself to be in unnecessary conflict because it made a better person- damaged emotionally, but better.

May your lives be filled with success, hydration, healthy relationships, and deep appreciation for what you have.

Sincerely, honestly, and most importantly,

Your old friend.