To My Grandparent In Heaven

I was nine years old when I lost you, that means ten whole years ago you left this Earth.

Ten years is an unfathomable number. Ten years without you isn't real. Ten makes it seem so real, like it should've settled in me by now. Ten years should be enough time to be okay with you being gone and be used to existing without you.

Missing your best friend for so long should make there be some distance between how much they meant to you while they lived versus wherever they are now in time.

I can say I am more than grateful for the time I got to have you by my side. I can say I am angry at myself for the amount of time I took for granted. I am upset that I expected you to be around forever then one day you just weren't.

Every year I think to myself, next year I won't feel some type of way about this, but it has been ten of them and somehow I think it may never feel lighter.

I keep going through the files in my head of the stories I can tell about you, but I'm starting to run low, because time is passing by and no more memories are being made; that realization makes it hurt worse.

I wish I had known before you left, that your favorite person could be taken away at any moment or that I should've hugged you goodbye even though I was sick because it would have been the last one. I wish that I could have realized not every promise is given its time to be kept.

It's strange, I can't recall the sound of your voice anymore. I used to be able to and now it's just gone, like some distant memory. I know the smell of your cologne, if someone walks by with it on I just know. I can't recall it on my own anymore, I have to sneak upstairs to the back room at your house to steal smells of the last bottle you had off the dresser it was left on.

I wish I had more time with you, I find myself jealous of anyone who got to know you for longer than I did. My years without you here outweigh the years I had with you now, and I can still feel how much you impacted me and how much you took with you when you left.

You have certainly missed a lot, but I hope you're watching it all. It still hurts and I miss you every day. I try to make you proud every day, I hope I am.

I love you, Poppy, see you soon.