To My Family In Heaven, Unfortunately, Suicide Tore Us Apart

To My Family In Heaven, Unfortunately, Suicide Tore Us Apart

It has been almost 11 years from the time that we lost you both.

Heidi Mae Brown

I felt like I should write this because I feel like it should be written by a person who dealt with the tragedy of suicide. After all, I'm a person who dealt with two of these within different years.

In September of this year, my uncle would have been 49. He would have been a grandfather to six grandkids and a father to three kids along with being a brother, uncle and much more.

He was a NASCAR lover, horse rider and truck driver. He was someone who would give the shirt off his back for you.

When I last saw him, he was at the field days. I remember asking him, "what did you do to Aunt Jodi?"

His answer and the last thing he ever said to me was, "I fired her." I didn't know back then that the answer meant divorce.

Then, he came up to me, and I hugged him for the last time, all I could smell being cigarette smell and cologne.

I was only about seven or eight when he died, but I was old enough to know that he was the greatest man you could have ever known.

I survived something that was tragic to our family and something that made a big impact on us. But we all still tried to stick together.

The man meant the world to me, even though I didn't know what he was going through. Now I know it was depression and that was something he was hiding.

July 29, 2011, it happened again. This time, I lost my aunt when I was only 11 or 12.

When my aunt died, I was the closest one to her. She was my first best friend, and I trusted her more than anyone. She was my role model and is the only reason I'm going to medical school. I know that she would still be my best friend and a mother to two of her children.

My aunt had the brightest smile and an even bigger heart. We would talk for hours until she knew I was OK because that was her way of always letting me know that she loved me.

I hope she knows I loved her too.

But, here I am...alone and wishing I could have stopped her.

About seven years later, my head was not really in the mindset. I was going to college and had no idea what I was doing.

My depression, anxiety and everything that possibly could catch up with me did. The thoughts, memories, hurt, sadness — everything came back.

I didn't care about anything because my body and mind were in a dark place.

I would sit in a dark room alone and stare at the ceiling just to end up crying for no reason. I knew it ran in my family history, but I was praying to God it somehow wouldn't get to me.

But everything caught up, and there I was, trying to figure out what the f*ck I was going to do. So, I did the right thing for myself and went for a 72-hour evaluation to get help.

After two years, I got better. I now go to counseling and go to the grave sites to visit my family in heaven when I need it.

If you or someone you know is in the wrong mindset, call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them on their website to get help. That's what they are there for, so please do not be afraid to ask.

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