My parents divorced when I was ten years old. It was unexpected and I was unaware of how unhappy my father actually was with us. I had no idea that he fell out of love with my mom.
"You can fall out of love as quickly as you fall in," is what I was told. I was told that you stayed for me. That you didn't actually love mom anymore. I had no idea that you were so miserable. I can remember when you told me what was happening. You called me into your room, had me sit on the edge of the comfy bed. Mom was in tears. You were just laying there beside me. I didn't know what happened. I honestly thought someone had died. Then you said it. You said you were done, you wanted to leave. I don't think I cried so hard. I don't think my pink poodle pillow ever saw so many tears.
After that I was sent to my aunt's. I was sent twelve hours away, unaware of what was happening. I came back a month later to a new "home". A tiny two bedroom apartment. I was removed from my childhood home, and forced into this new place.
I can now view a room as temporary. I view a lot of things as temporary. You leaving made me grow up quicker than any of the kids my age.
When you left, I vowed I would always be angry and hateful. I would stay bitter. I didn't keep this vow because I'm a happy person. Even on my bad days, I am still happy. I did stay upset with you. And then once you remarried, my step mom as well. I've tried to change that once I got older, but I feel like the hateful damage has been done. For that, I am sorry.
There are times I wish you didn't leave mom. Since I'm getting older and close to graduating, I remember what I though things would be like, then I get sad once I realize how it's not even close to that thought. I hate the awkward tension when I bring up the other parent, but you both have to realize you are my only mother and father. I have memories with both. You also know that when I get excited and tell a story, that most times it will envolve the other parent.
I'm not sure you realize that you leaving effected me psychologically. I don't really trust people, especially guys. That's why I don't date much. I don't want to let another man hurt me the way you did. The way you left has terrified me to the point that the thought of that happening again, makes me cry. The thought of ever getting married has me terrified as well. I'm afraid I'll be another statistic of children with divorced parents. That my chance of getting a divorce will be higher. I'm afraid if ever get that close with someone, what if they leave our kids? What if they decide they don't love me anymore, and just walk out? Because of this I don't ever depend on people anymore.
I've let one guy in, and you have yet to meet him. I let one guy see me in every way. He knocked down the high wall I built to keep myself happy. I know you need to, but I'm scared to bring him over to you. Why? Because I'm still your daughter. I still want to make you proud. I want to be close like when I was younger. I'm scared to show you the guy that has knocked down everything you caused to be built.
I don't want you think I'm trying to attack you. I just wanted to get this off of my chest. I love you. And I will bring him over to meet you very soon. I just had to make sure that he was worth bringing to you. That he was worth letting in. I'm not going to bring someone temporary to meet you. You're still my dad and I still respect you. I just want to go at my own pace.
As much as some want me to discredit you, I'm still half of you. You're my only dad. I hope we get closer as I get older. When you left, I grew up. I'm not upset about it anymore. I see fellow classmates and even friends get heartbroken because they were too open and welcoming. My wall has kept me happy, even though it's not good to always have.
I know how happy you are now. I see it everytime I'm at your house. I'm happy, you're happy. I'm trying my best to get closer to my stepmom and you. I'm also sorry that I was so rude and disrespectful towards her.
I love you, and I hope I make you proud. So close to graduating and then college. Crazy isn't it?