To my brother,
It's been a time, huh? I forget that you haven't remained in your fifteen-year-old bubble forever, that you've grown away from the little boy who was shorter than me and also perpetually upset about being younger. You once told me, "I'll be older than you one day!" And although that is biologically not the case, it feels that way sometimes. Every time I come home and you're just a little bit bigger, my heart sinks. I miss you being my little brother.
But despite the fact that I don’t necessarily fit the title anymore, I will always be your big sister. The one who comforts you and is brutally honest with you, even (or especially) when you don’t want to hear it. I will always be the one to tell you when you’re being a little bit too much like a teenage boy, and the one to embrace you after you do all the things I warned you against. I’ll always be the one by your side defending you, no matter how much you have frustrated me five minutes prior. I am your biggest fan and ally, and sometimes the only one who can truly encapsulate how much of pain in the ass you’re being, since parents can’t always say what they want to on that front.
I know high school hasn’t been fun for you. It hasn’t for most people. That’s OK. It’s better, even. You’re going into college with a completely fresh face, leaving behind the horrible aspects of these four years. You get to experience college as a blank canvas, free of that longing for the “better days,” because they weren’t your better days. You know what it feels like for things not to go your way, for you to feel lonely and isolated and different from everyone around you. I know it hurt, then, but that just means you’ve already built the armor you need. You’re going to walk into college with your head high, knowing you haven’t just closed the door on the best four years of your life.
And college will be hard. Classes are different and you’re away from home and whether you believe it or not, you will miss your family. It will overwhelm you sometimes. But that’s OK. You’re going to be OK. I think we have to leave our families and our hometowns behind, sometimes, in order to really remember why they’re home in the first place. And even though I’m not sure this place will ever really feel like home again, these people do; our family, as dysfunctional and complicated as it may seem right now, is your greatest gift. It is the one thing that will never walk out on you or abandon you. These are some of the few people in this world that will love you with every beat of their hearts, flaws and all. You might forget that for a little while. I did. But you’ll always come back.
I’m in awe that you are nearly eighteen, that you are going off to college, that you have somehow transcended your title as my “little brother” to become this wonderful, beautiful, whole person. You have made me so proud, and I want nothing but the world for you as you take off into this new adventure. I remember once, Mom told us that we cannot fight amongst ourselves because, in the end, we’re all we have. I still believe that. I know that you might forget me for a little while, too. But I’m not worried. Because there is always a place for you at home, no matter how far it may wander, no matter how distant it may seem. And, man, I can’t wait for you to tell me about the roads you’ve traveled to get there.
Love always,
Hannah
