Well, I guess Macklemore and I have a lot in common. I mean, when we were both eight years old we questioned our sexuality based on all these societal, preconceived notions as to what being “gay” means. Ironically, our mother’s even had similar responses, “you’re not gay, you’ve liked boys since preschool”. And neither one of us turned out gay either. Well, maybe I was. But then again, I had no clue what I was half the time.
I started dating boys in the seventh grade. And don’t get me wrong, I was definitely attracted to boys. I was that Taylor Swift listening, boy obsessed thirteen-year-old just like everyone else. Then, while dating my eighth grade boyfriend, who I was totally head-over-heels for, I turned to him and said, “I think I have a crush on your ex-girlfriend”. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to come out…
My mom concluded it was just a “girl crush” because she was beautiful and talented and I never could differentiate between platonic and romantic feelings anyway. And I still can’t. She told me I just admired her and wanted to be like her. And I guess that made sense. But fast forward two boyfriends and two years later, I found myself solely dating girls. So me, someone who based their lack of identity on labels, came to the conclusion that I just had to be gay. And boy, do I love girls. I loved them so much that on June 26th 2015, the day same-sex marriage was legalized, I made a “Surprise! I’m a major homosexual!” post on Facebook (I didn’t use those exact words, but you get the point). And I mean, I am totally gay and totally okay with it, but then I met a guy last December that I was absolutely crazy about. So maybe I wasn’t so gay after all.
I always needed a label, so not knowing who I was or what I was really stressed me out. I mean, I could’ve just said I was bisexual, but even that didn’t seem to fit right. Yes, I liked girls and guys, but who was to say I couldn’t like or be sexually attracted to other genders? Why do I have to be limited? And if I was really bisexual, I’d be able to be sexually attracted to boys and girls, and hook up with strangers. But I couldn’t do that either. I’ve always been accepting of others, their genders, pronouns, sexualities, and whatever else that made them comfortable in their own skin. And I knew there were many sexualities but when it came to me, I told myself, “you’re either, gay, straight, or bi. That’s it. You don’t need anymore complicated things in your life so let’s keep this simple”.
But it’s never that easy. Sexuality is a fluid thing. There are so many other terms and ways to love than just “gay, straight, or bi”.
Well me? I realized, as complicated and ridiculous as this may sound, I’m demisexual, panromantic. Okay, I know it sounds like a lot to take in, but it’s really not. I only find myself sexually attracted to those I have a really deep, intimate connection with. That doesn’t mean I have to be dating the person, it just means that I only am sexually attracted to someone I know well, who knows me well, and I’m really comfortable with. And being panromantic just means I like who I like for them, not for their gender identities. I’m not gonna say, “Oh I don’t see genders! I only see people!” because that’s not true. I see gender but it doesn’t impact or influence how I feel about them.
So maybe I found my labels. Maybe I need them to help me understand myself. But labels aren’t for anyone else. You don’t need a label and you certainly do not need to know who you are or what or who you like right this second. It’s okay to question. It’s okay to be confused. It’s okay to explore. Do not limit yourself to what you feel society will accept. Love who you love. Kiss who you want to kiss. And if you don’t love anyone or want to kiss anyone, well that’s fine too.
As Macklemore said, “Strip away the fear. Underneath it’s all the same love”.
