I’ll begin with a disclaimer: I’m white. I’m not trying to say I know much about not being white. While I’ve engaged with some racial issues, I’m not trying to say I have any real grasp on the challenges faced by individuals of other races. I’m writing this article because my Chinese-American-Canadian friend shared some wisdom with me the other day. It’s about acknowledging racial differences among close individuals.

Here’s a scrappy list of her ideas:

1. Open the door for conversation

Some comments you make about race might not be accurate. Some of your actions might perpetuate racial discrimination. Try saying, “Hey, if I ever say anything uncool, call me out." Hopefully “uncool” connotes racist, insensitive, presumptive, ignorant, or offensive. My friend says she likes this because it makes her feel acknowledged and cared for, but not put on the spot.

2. Conversation is not required

Don’t ask about your friend’s experience as whatever race they are. It’s not their job to inform. And it’s also not their job to be a spokesperson for their race, let alone other people of color.

3. Inform yourself

If you really want to understand their situation, do some research for yourself. This simple action means that you actually care. Moreover, expanding your knowledge can only make you a better person.

4. Experience is undeniable

I would add one idea to our list. There is a time and a place to develop ideas and craft arguments about race, but not when someone is sharing their personal experience with it. Nothing about that can be right or wrong—only true. Remember to hold that story attentively. Let it affect the way you think.

At this point, my friend would probably want me to remind you that, obviously, she is one person with one set of ideas and experiences. She’s not trying to say that this is what every person of color would want from their friends.

Regardless, our conversation makes me feel hopeful (if not slightly uncomfortable or guilty at times). No matter how much I pretend otherwise, harmful and biased thought processes, likely formed by my own experience somewhere along the line, infiltrate even the most healthy of relationships. I wonder if this private, intimate context is where the pattern of such harmful thinking begins to break.