Don’t ask me why, because I can’t give you an answer, but I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Maybe it’s because my best friend is getting married and you should be there with me, but you won’t be. Maybe it’s because our 2 year anniversary is coming up, and we should be celebrating, but instead it’ll just be a sad, lonely day, looking back on what could’ve been. Maybe it’s because Hayden’s 3rd birthday just passed, and you should’ve been here for this one, but you chose a different path. Maybe it’s because this is the first time since you left that I haven’t had someone or something distracting me from what has happened.

I’ll be honest, I’m tearing up writing this. This was supposed to last forever, remember? You wrote that on the back of the notecard you left on my truck when you had to go back to Ft. Campbell early one time. You said you couldn’t imagine a better life than being with me and Hayden. But, that was back when you were mine, when we were in love. And somehow, it’s like we fell out of love.

I’m trying to focus on the good times we had, the times when we were in love and just so full of life. Remember going on day trips to Nashville, strolling through the Opry Mills mall, trying new restaurants, surprising me with fresh baked cookies and cinnamon rolls when someone made a comment about my weight, trips to the winery, glow in the dark-3D mini golf? Remember when you painted my toenails for me so I could still play a card game with Hannah, multiple rounds of Cards Against Humanity with our best friends, laughing until our sides hurt, helping Hayden conquer his fear of jumping in the pool? Do you remember? I remember, all of it, every detail.

And then, it just stopped. All of a sudden, we didn’t sit together on the couch, we didn’t cuddle before we went to bed, I had to ask you to kiss me goodnight, and I was always the first to say “I love you.” You slept under an entirely different blanket, you barely looked at me, you talked to your friends more than you talked to me, and when I got angry about it, I was “controlling.” When in reality, I just wanted my husband back.

I wanted to cook dinner together again, I wanted the card games, I wanted the late night movies when neither of us could sleep, I wanted the buying things on Amazon that neither of us needed, I wanted to go to the gun range, I wanted to try new things. I wanted our life back. I wanted to go back to the beginning of our relationship when we were happily in love and so excited about this big adventure called life we were about to embark on.

I will never forget our time together. It was some of the best times of my life. Being an Army wife is a whirlwind to say the least, but I wouldn’t have wanted to experience it with anyone else by my side. Even though our story isn’t ending how I imagined or wanted, I’m still grateful for the time we had.

The night you left, you kissed me on the forehead and said you hoped one day we could move past this and be friends, and I sincerely hope we can too. I’m just not quite ready yet.