Dear Anonymous Boy,

It's been 240 days since we last talked. That's almost a year, to get specific. Kind of crazy, huh? Especially since you have the audacity to lead me on whenever I roll around back into your life. You already know that I am one hundred percent committed when it comes to you. I always have my heart on my sleeve, secretly dying inside because you were my first everything -- so, of course, you have that automatic effect on. Gee, aren't I lucky?

In the span of the last five years, you have had the notion to toy with my emotions and use my heart as a volleyball. Oh, yes, I love my metaphors. That's the best way I can put it, right now. I mean, let's not forget about all of the times when I would put my heart and soul on the line for you, or would do anything to make it work and you'd agree and then a few months later you would say something like, “I feel like your therapist," or “We're just doing the same old song and dance." My favorite from you is, “I just can't do this anymore." Quite blunt and straight to the point, so kudos for that one. Or how about, “Love is not enough." Yes, very, very cliché. True nonetheless, but kind of pathetic that you had to go ahead and use that one on me.

How about when you never knew what you wanted? Or when you unintentionally (or intentionally) blamed all of our relationship problems on me whenever you felt triggered by my growing up, or when you were just running away from something? Or when you made me feel like I wasn't good enough, in your own little way. The times in our relationships when I felt inferior to you, and you would just display how truly pretentious you truly are. Bottom line: it always seemed like you never thought I would change when it came to you -- that you would always, no matter what, have this power over me -- because you were the one who dumped me each and every time during these past five five years.

Congrats. But, newsflash! I am not a seventeen-year-old girl pining over a little boy, anymore. However, there are some things I would like you to know since you've been gone. I guess you could say life has been getting a tad bit -- or a lot -- more awesome in it's own ways since you left me sitting there staring at the wall in confusion last September. Let me give you a little refresher on how it's been in the world of Julia Busshardt.

1. I'm becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

It's safe to say that since your absence, I've been doing a lot of self reflecting. When I was with you, it felt like I deserved only you, and that's why I kept running back to you. But now I've realized that I don't have to be dependent on you, or anyone. I don't wanna use this quote, because it's so over used, but what the hell: "I'm an independent woman who don't need no man!"

Either way, I am starting to gain this confidence within myself that I never discovered until now. You were always the reason for my self worth, and I convinced myself that I was only good for being your girlfriend, and life was dark and depressing without you in it. Turns out, there is so much more to life than a silly boy from my past. I'm learning so, so much about myself. For example: I actually really like to cook, and I like going places alone -- like the movie theater or the coffee shop. I'm also really funny. I never saw that last trait because I felt like I was in your shadow for the majority of the time. I'm pretty freaking rad!

2. I don't have to worry about getting my heart broken.

This one is pretty self explanatory. When I was with you, I always felt like something was wrong, or something bad was going to happen. Everything about you was so damn predictable. And you can't disagree -- especially when you would break up with me, or break my heart every other year or two. Yeah, yeah, maybe it was my girl-like paranoia, but at the same time I had every right to be that way after all the times you toyed and messed with me. Now, I can sit back and relax and focus on the little things, like writing an article for a blog, finishing that last piece of pie, going out for coffee or taking a cat nap. No worries or mini heart attacks. It's all about the simple things, right now. Ah, I just want to look up into the sky and breathe in the fresh air and scream at the top of my lungs. HURRAY!

3. I've met a lot of wonderful people who respect me.

When we were in high school, it was the same scene and the same people; that's why the break ups were the worst. Now that I'm in college, there is more distance from you and variety for me. Not being with you has given me the opportunity to explore and meet some pretty kick butt, awesome people. I've obtained and gained extremely powerful and special friendships with people that have helped me discover who I am and have opened my eyes, and I can now call them my best friends. If I were still with you, I would probably have not gone out and met these friends; I would have been worried about you and whether or not you would stab me through the aorta again.

These people mean the world to me, and it's taught me that there are more relationships out there are than just the romantic ones. I'm cherishing them and appreciating them. I've also learned that these people are kinda cooler than you ever were, and a bonus: they don't treat me like road kill.

4. I can flirt with whomever I want and figure out what I want.

Not gonna lie. I've missed being single, and it's been pretty much five years since I've been officially single and I have to say -- it feels fan-freaking-tastic. I'd actually forgotten what it's like to be single, and to be able to flirt with guys and check them out without feeling an ounce of guilt. When I was with you, I was secretly feeling locked in, like I was missing something or that things were getting so boring. Now that I'm in college, and I have just started the path to my twenties, it's the perfect time for being solo. I can also look back at the way you treated me and recognize the flaws and traits that I did not like in a guy or in a relationship. So, thanks for sparing me these years, and for just kicking my heart in the butt during my teenage era.

5. I've gotten cooler.

I've just got to add this one. It's a given. Ever since you dipped out and I finally accepted that, I have embraced this totally stellar personality. And the even cooler thing: I can accept this. I'm like Julia 3.0 and I'm never ever going back to the dependent, unsure girl I used to be when I was with you. I just wish I had realized this a long time ago!

6. I'm not a little girl anymore.

Think of me as you will, if you even think of me at all. And I don't care if you do or don't. But if you do, know that I am not that sixteen-year-old girl who only wanted your affection, and nothing else in life. I've grown up so much, and not just mentally or maturity wise, but lifestyle wise. I'm in college and even though it's been a struggle, I'm kicking butt and continuing to try. I am trying not to complain, and I am absolutely stellar in my never ending resilience. I am striving to make my dreams a reality even though I have to work harder than others. Still have that poor, sad, lonely, constantly insecure girl in your mind? Forget that. She no longer exists.

7. I am happier than I ever have been in the last few years.

I'll admit that you brought lots of joy to my life in the golden stage of our relationship. But towards the end, in the fire and flames, you made my life a living nightmare filled with pain, throbbing anticipation, heartache and sorrow. I am almost twenty years old, and the past year has been a hard one, but I can safely say that with you out of the picture I have never felt as strong, independent or happy as I am right now. This is the time when I can give myself self care, 100 percent. If there was ever a world where you would waltz back into my life spontaneously, I would turn the other way with my head held high. There is no way that I am going back to that past. Who knew that this would ever feel so good? :)

So there you have it -- ex-lover, ex-boyfriend, ex-everything. It's not like I'm writing this to win your approval, or to validate myself; it's to show that I am strong, and I am welcoming this new outlook on life and this brand new perspective. It's true -- people do change and grow up for the best, and they learn from things, especially from things that have damaged them in the past. But, I'm not damaged goods. I am just -- good. One thing I am thankful for is that you allowed me to look in the mirror and want to reevaluate my life. That is one thing that came out of these many broken hearts.

Sincerely,

Julia, The Girl Who Fortunately Got Away