Hi...atous. So, I took a short break from writing. Well, it was a break from writing for fun at least, because school has me bogged down with papers, tests and so much more.
I’m overwhelmed. That is the understatement of the year. I am overwhelmed by papers, thoughts, and schedules. Never having a second for myself, each moment is consumed by something or someone else. Not even in my sleep am I allowed to think freely. Every action has a purpose linked to a demand that I am forced to meet. For once I would love five minutes of time alone. Alone, with a clean mind, no thoughts based on anything other than myself. Five minutes to become acquainted with myself, learn if being overwhelmed is worth my efforts. Have the time to understand a small part of who I am and my thoughts, not the thoughts I have for others.
This week, nay, these past few months have been a constant bombardment of work. Not just one or two papers, but rewrites followed by meetings as well as test after test. If you think I have had time to take a breath you are sadly mistaken. I am drowning in a sea of work and breathing is not an option, at this point I have to adapt and grow gills… weird metaphor I know, but it’s true. The amount of times homework and studying has superseded friends, family, food and sleep would heavily outweigh the times it hasn’t. I've built up and bottled so much stress I don't know when or where it will overflow.
Most days I am living from coffee to coffee because there is no time for sleep when there are impending deadlines. I have never truly understood the phrase, “you can sleep when you are dead” until this semester. My nights in the lounge continuously extend into the early morning leaving me with just enough time to take a small nap before the day truly begins.
Not that I’m complaining, I know what I signed up for, and I’m in for the long hall. However, in the middle of all this work, or when I finally give up at 3 in the morning, I can’t help but wonder if it’s all worth it. I can’t help but wonder if I’m taking the right path. It all feels right, I feel like I’m in the right place and I know I’m following my dreams, but I never get the time to think about it in depth. I’ve never gotten to truly know myself and know what I want out of life or out of myself. I’ve never contemplated if being overwhelmed is worth my while, I’ve only assumed it is.