To Anxiety, My Worst Lover Yet

To Anxiety, My Worst Lover Yet

"I don't need a metaphor for you to know I'm miserable."
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I'm not entirely sure when you came into my life, but I do know that it was shortly after my relationship with Depression. I was cold and numb. Depression had left me weak. He had broke my heart, like every other relationship I had ever been in, and left me lying on the porch steps to my front door. I felt so useless, I didn't even bother getting up.

That's when you showed up.

You picked me up and carried me into my house and laid me gently in bed to rest. You told me everything was going to be okay, and for a moment I had hope that it would. I thought that you were going to be different. I thought that you would motivate me, that you would help me find my purpose again, that you would help me become the person I forgot I ever was before I entered these toxic relationships. I thought you would be good for me. But I thought wrong.

Moments later you startle me awake from my slumber only to tell me that I am wasting my life away and that I need to be more productive. I can see how this can seem motivational to some people, having random bursts of enthusiasm, but it is anything but positive. I felt tired. I wanted to give up, but you were always there to tell me how pathetic I was for starting my assignments late or making me feel bad for skipping class because just the thought of giving a presentation to a room full of people sends me into a frenzy of panic. I know that's what most people think anxiety is like, but oh, it's so much worse than that.

I can't sleep because you always wake me up and leave me breathless and suffocate me with thoughts that I will waste away to nothing if I don't get up and do something. Instead of living my life like a normal teenager staying out late, hanging out with my friends, having fun, you have me pacing the halls at two in the morning sick with worry over something I said over five years ago. Instead of experiencing college life properly and making new friends, you have me fear all social settings and make me paranoid, thinking that everyone around me is looking at me, judging me. You make me fear routine because it's the same lifeless, dreary day over and over again, but you also make me fear change because you tell me the world is too dangerous for me and that my emotions are too fragile. You tell me my friends aren't really my friends and that they hate me and that I'm just the centerpiece of their grand joke. I hate you for this.

You mockingly ask me that "If I hate you so much, then why do I keep you a secret? Why do I stay with you?" This is a question I ask myself too often. People think that it's so easy to just open up and talk about these types of relationships, but what people don't understand is that it's my own anxieties that make the conversation hard. I am scared that no one will understand me. I am scared that I will sound crazy . I am scared that no one will care. So I say nothing. I close myself off in my own little cocoon and put my headphones in my ears and put a book in front of my face in hopes that music or living in a fantasy world will heal me, even just a little. Because suffering in silence is the only way you've taught me how to cope.

I ache in distress that I will never be enough or that I'll never be the person my family and friends need. I shake with worry when I think about the future because it's not set in stone and I fret that all my dreams and hopes will leave me without success and useless. Even the smallest amounts of stress feels like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders because you make everything seem so heavy and you make me seem so small.

I know staying in this kind of relationship is toxic, but just like Depression, you've proved to be hard to get rid of and you leave me tired and exhausted. No matter the constant worrying, I can never seem to give up and neither should anyone else that has ever had the chance of meeting you.

Cover Image Credit: Pinterest

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A Letter To My Go-To Aunt

Happiness is having the best aunt in the world.
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I know I don't say it enough, so let me start off by saying thank you.

You'll never understand how incredibly blessed I am to have you in my life. You'll also never understand how special you are to me and how much I love you.

I can't thank you enough for countless days and nights at your house venting, and never being too busy when I need you. Thank you for the shopping days and always helping me find the best deals on the cutest clothes. For all the appointments I didn't want to go to by myself. Thank you for making two prom days and a graduation party days I could never forget. Thank you for being overprotective when it comes to the men in my life.

Most importantly, thank you for being my support system throughout the numerous highs and lows my life has brought me. Thank you for being honest even when it isn't what I want to hear. Thank you for always keeping my feet on the ground and keeping me sane when I feel like freaking out. Thank you for always supporting whatever dream I choose to chase that day. Thank you for being a second mom. Thank you for bringing me into your family and treating me like one of your own, for making me feel special because you do not have an obligation to spend time with me.

You've been my hero and role model from the time you came into my life. You don't know how to say no when family comes to you for help. You're understanding, kind, fun, full of life and you have the biggest heart. However, you're honest and strong and sometimes a little intimidating. No matter what will always have a special place in my heart.

There is no possible way to ever thank you for every thing you have done for me and will continue to do for me. Thank you for being you.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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15 Thing Only Early 2000's Kids Will Understand

"Get connected for free, with education connection"

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This is it early 2000's babies, a compilation finally made for you. This list is loaded with things that will make you swoon with nostalgia.

1. Not being accepted by the late 90's kids.

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Contrary to what one may think, late 90's and early 00's kids had the same childhood, but whenever a 00's kid says they remember something on an "only 90's kids will understand" post they are ridiculed.

2. Fortune tellers.

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Every day in elementary school you would whip one of these bad boys out of your desk, and proceed to tell all of your classmates what lifestyle they were going to live and who they were going to marry.

3.Bunnicula

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You could never read this book past 8 o'clock at night out of fear that your beloved pet rabbit would come after you.

4. Silly bands.

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You vividly remember begging your parents to buy you $10 worth of cheap rubber bands that vaguely resembles the shape of an everyday object.

5. Parachutes.

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The joy and excitement that washed over you whenever you saw the gym teacher pull out the huge rainbow parachute. The adrenaline that pumped through your veins whenever your gym teacher tells you the pull the chute under you and sit to make a huge "fort".

6. Putty Erasers

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You always bought one whenever there was a school store.

7. iPod shuffle.

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The smallest, least technological iPpd apple has made, made you the coolest kid at the bus stop.

8. "Education Connection"

You knew EVERY wood to the "Education Connection" commercials. Every. Single.Word.

9. " The Naked Brothers Band"

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The "Naked Brothers Band" had a short run on Nickelodeon and wrote some absolute bangers including, "Crazy Car' and "I Don't Wanna Go To School"

10. Dance Dance Revolution

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This one video game caused so many sibling, friend, and parent rivalries. This is also where you learned all of your super sick dance moves.

11. Tamagotchi

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Going to school with fear of your Tamagotchi dying while you were away was your biggest worry.

12. Gym Scooters

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You, or somebody you know most likely broke or jammed their finger on one of these bad boys, but it was worth it.

13. Scholastic book fairs

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Begging your parents for money to buy a new book, and then actually spending it on pens, pencils, erasers, and posters.

14.Go-Gurt

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Who knew that putting yogurt in a plastic tube made it taste so much better?

15. Slap Bracelets

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Your school probably banned these for being "too dangerous".

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