It's pretty common knowledge that Titanic is my favorite movie. It's also common knowledge that I have watched it over forty times, despite my friends and family constantly telling me not to share that information with too many people. But, let's be honest with each other. I do actually think this movie is brilliant, but entirely too long for its own good. So, if you have never seen Titanic or made thorough use of your fast forward button duringit, here is a short and sarcastic summary.
Before the movie even begins, the audience knows the inevitable fate of the people who believed the Titanic was unsinkable. First of all, anyone who believes that a huge steel object in the middle of a vast body of water in the middle of winter is unsinkable should reevaluate their education. The movie begins with a tear jerking flashback of the actual ship getting ready to set sail to New York City, which sucks because maybe 700 people out of the 2,435 aboard actually made it to take a bite out of the Big Apple.
Fast-forward to a guy on a submarine who is obsessed with searching for a huge blue diamond necklace that would make him more famous than Britney Spears in the '90s. He didn't find the necklace but instead found a soft-core porn drawing of a woman wearing the necklace. The drawing was publicized and a really, really old woman in a wheelchair named Rose got super excited when she saw it on television. “Turn that up dear!" Rose's granddaughter thinks Rose is going insane when she says it is actually a drawing of her but, nevertheless, she is rushed to the submarine in the middle of the ocean (IDK how she didn't have PTSD). It turns out that old Rose is actually the girl with the nice bod in the drawing! I am shocked every time.
Our first glimpse of Rose tells us that she mastered the fake smile. We sympathize with her though, because her fiancé, Cal, is a total douche and is “certain Picasso will amount to nothing." Rose is super pissed at Cal and hates her life so she almost jumps off the back of the ship. Good thing Jack Dawson comes along and takes off all his clothes while trying to save her, giving the wrong first impression to her family. Classic misunderstanding, but whatever, he was invited to eat dinner with the Illuminati of the 20th century.
Rose and Jack fall in love when she sees his drawings of one-legged prostitutes with hairy armpits and he seals the deal when he teaches her how to hock a loogie off the side of the ship. Things get pretty serious in, like, two days, which reminds us of our relationships in middle school. Cal gets jealous of Jack because he likes to dominate women and throw tables at them and then give them big blue diamonds.
The Titanic hits the iceberg but no one really cares because they're playing soccer with chunks of ice on deck. Jack and Rose mess around in the boiler room and get super hot and sweaty, then do the nasty in a car while Cal's creepy sidekick looks for them through the barrel of a gun. All of a sudden everything gets intense when water starts flooding the ship and the third class people start panicking. Also, is no one concerned about all the dogs locked in the bottom of the boat because their owners neglect them?
The real drama begins when people realize the unsinkable ship is actually sinking and there are, like, three lifeboats available. At this point, I am sobbing, and the scenes of women clinging to their husbands and children bawling their eyes out seem to go on forever. The rest of the movie is a cluster f**k of a bunch of issues. Cal is still jealous and his devil of a sidekick handcuffs Jack to a pole until Rose finds him and almost chops off his hand with an axe. They both play sea-saw, running up and down the ship as it sinks, until finally, they find a railing to hang on to with a prime view of the death and destruction below.
Eventually, both Rose and Jack end up in the water, duh. Rose finds a wooden board to lie on and makes herself at home while Jack freezes to death. Nice one Rose, you could have made some room, you spoiled idiot. She cries and blows a whistle until a lifeboat, which has a 50-person capacity but is only filled with 15 rich people, saves her. She takes Jack's last name and lives the life she always wanted, sans Jack, as Rose Dawson.
Present day: Rose, now 101 years old, is actually in possession of the blue diamond that everyone wants so badly. She is selfish and suddenly doesn't need her wheelchair to walk to the edge of the submarine and throws the blue diamond into the ocean like an MLB pitcher. And, let's not forget the soundtrack and a million different mash-ups of Celine Dion's, My Heart Will Go On and on and on and on.
