There is no one on this planet that I empathize more with than the comedian Tom Segura. We both are Hispanics that neither "look Hispanic" or have "Hispanic sounding" last names. We both love Juan Luis Guerra.
Lastly, we both started balding at a very young age. Watching Segura talk about his appearance made me comfortable with my own. It's still rough, but it has its benefits.
I never have to pull out my ID when purchasing alcohol. People ask me questions at Home Depot. Women feel safe telling me that I look like someone they find attractive.
"You look like Keegan Michael Key. He's SO sexy." Mind you, they think Keegan Michael Key is sexy, not me. I just remind them of a sexy 47-year-old man.
It's my hairline that makes them comfortable enough to divulge that erotic taboo secret of theirs; looking like a dad is great! There are pros, and there are cons. Here are seven tips for dealing with them.
1. Where a College Humor t-shirt.
Only a cool kid in the know would wear a College Humor t-shirt! I mean, most people get their laughs from memes and videos that they find on Twitter.
Furthermore, College Humor was big when I was in middle school when the writers for College Humor were fresh out of college. Now, everyone in College Humor is in their 30's and make sketches about buying clothes for your second child. So, College Humor isn't for college kids, but do wear a Jake and Amir shirt; who can forget Jake and Amir!?!
2. Date cougars (or single dads if you're gay).
Yeah, you're 22 years old, but that cute girl that you're checking out at Starbucks thinks that you've probably been teaching driver's ed since the 90's.
Even though you two are the same age (and maybe she's secretly into older dudes, but doesn't want anyone to know that ever) it's best if you never approach. She'll think you're a creepy old dude. Everyone in that Starbucks will think you're a creepy old dude.
Just date someone in their 40's. They may secretly want to date someone in their twenties, but don't want to get judged for it. You can make their dreams come true!!!
3. Skateboard everywhere.
"Look, grandpa is doing a kickflip!!!" Anyone can kickflip, but how many seemingly old guys can do kickflips??? You'll be the king of the skate park.
4. Get a job at Home Depot.
Looking for a job? Home Depot will definitely hire you! "Mike, what if I don't know about stereotypical Dad stuff like power tools and plumbing?" It's 2018, binge watch screwdriver videos on youtube.
5. Shave your head and your beard, and then let it grow back.
Now you have a baby face. Everyone you meet will rub your head and pinch your cheeks. Then slowly, you'll age into the old man that you once were. All of your new friends will cry knowing that their newborn son is gone forever. Drink their tears. These tears will grow your hairline back.
6. Lift weights.
No one will pick on you if you're jacked. Also, your new job at Home Depot may require to life a lot of heavy stuff.
7. Stop caring what other people think.
Be the best dad that you can be homie. Tons of guys out there that look like us and are successful and happy, so we can be too. If anyone makes fun of you for the way you look, send them to time out, or spank them if they're into that.
