Yeah, I’ve drank the kool aid of online dating. I enjoy judging based on looks and one-sentence bios. Some of them are funny, some are boring as hell, and others are just sensitive, i.e. "if you're fat, swipe left." You see all sorts of characters, especially when you’re swiping in a place like NYC. I mainly use it as an ego boost when I’m feeling down about myself, which angers a lot of men on Tinder (it’s a swipe, not a contract, sweetie). Unfortunately, many men have told me that they swipe right on every girl. Like, wtf, why?? I put so much freaking time and effort into judging you guys, give me the same damn courtesy.

The Creeps

I’ve had my exchanges with some creeps, like guys asking for lewd sexual encounters. I think the most memorable of these exchanges was when I was sent a page-long message explaining the ways in which this stranger wanted to tie me to his radiator and feed me nothing but bologna for a month. I’ve seen enough Law and Order SVU to know how big of a red flag that is.

The Guys You Essentially Fall in Love With But Is Actually Going Back Home 2,000 Miles Away in Three Days

I go through those days when I am absolutely head over heels for some rando. It starts with “OMG I love him! He’s so handsome and sweet!” Then, when he doesn’t reply within the hour, my feelings will rapidly transition into the kind of fury that prays for his downfall. I’m not actually falling in love with these Tinder strangers; I’m in love with being dramatic and exaggerating about literally everything in my life. But seriously, sometimes you just kind of “click” with some guy—for example, when I chat with someone that shares my obsession with Bruce Campbell. Unfortunately, those moments of “true love” usually end with, “Oh yeah, I’m going back home to bumblef*ck Wisconsin in a week. I’m just on vacation with the fam.”

The Entitled Guys That Just Curse You Out Randomly

Part of being in the more beautiful, sensual gender is dealing with the guys that are actually angry with you for A) having agency and B) being so damn beautiful. They call you nasty things when you ignore their messages, when you decline a meetup, when you refuse to “send nudes ;).” Blocked and reported.

The Guys That Use You For Free Therapy About Their Exes

You guys broke up in February - get over it. I actually agreed to meet you for a drink, and all you do is complain about her! About how you can’t go to certain bars or friends’ apartments because she might be there or how she caused you irreparable damage. My God, dude, no wonder she dumped you. I literally sat there for 2 hours, barely getting a word in, listening to this guy talk about his ex. Like, what makes you think I care? At some point I told him “it’s been 8 months, get over it.” Oh, he also forgot his ID at home and had barely any cash on him. You may ask yourself: why did you stay? And the answer is: I have no freaking idea. At the end of the night, he leaned in for a kiss and I dodged that crap like it was one of those bouncy, rubber balls that psychotic children hurl at you in gym class.

Also, just as a rule of thumb, don’t call your exes crazy. Literally blaming every one of your exes for the breakup / why you have commitment or intimacy issues is in incredibly poor taste, and 90% of people can see right through that. As for the other 10%: really?

The Cuties

Every so often, I'll come across someone who evokes a "hot damn, I want to do nasty things to you" type of reaction. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling when you actually match with this guy.