Ah, yes. Tinder. Since it's inception in 2011, this fantastic application has helped thousands of people erase the awkward social script of figuring out if someone is into you. Because, after all, who wants to go through all that trouble? We've evolved from animals; who has time anymore to sit down and talk to someone? Psh. Screw that. I'm too busy Yakking about Spongebob and Instagramming my beautiful, bearded face to the world. 

If you're like me and you're not an animal and you don't have time to talk to someone in person to gauge their interest in you, then you use Tinder. After all, nothing screams "progress" more than being able to flirt with someone through a screen while sitting in class. Forget anything you know about body language cues or emotion; true love is portrayed through words on a screen. Trust me, I'm a writer, I know a thing or two about words. 

As a seasoned Tinder veteran myself, I've pushed through and made the mistakes that you now have the luxury of avoiding thanks to this article. Use my experience as a guide, and within a day or two, you'll see some results. This guide will be as gender neutral as I possibly can make it, but if there are any limitations, forgive me. I've only experienced the caveats of being a male on Tinder (such is my curs in life).

First off, take a look at your settings. See how you probably have the radius set to 10 miles? Crank that all the way up to 100 miles. Your true love could be somewhere in the 90-mile difference! And really, what's the difference between 10 and 11 miles? For all of you smart @$$es who say "one mile," have your chuckle and then slap yourself in the face. 

Now, see where it says age limitations? You've probably got it somewhere in between 18-24, right? YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Once again, crank that up to 18-55+. That hot 73 year-old is somewhere out there, and is probably looking for someone young and fun to spice up their lives. Sure, they might not be a permanent solution, but they've got a lot of wisdom to pass on. Example: Hugh Hefner. The man's practically exploding with wisdom. 

Next, time to set your profile. To prove that you're not a bot, have at least four photos. I recommend at least five, but hey, not everyone has that many Tinder-quality photos on Facebook. Now of those photos, make sure that you have at least one of each of the following: one picture with a cute animal (dog, cat, hampster, rabbit, etc), one picture of you on one of your craziest (and most likely alcohol-fueled) nights, and one picture of you that's really "deep." The other pictures can be of your choosing. 

Here's a breakdown of what's going on:

• The picture with the animal shows that you're an animal lover. People like people who love animals. Show your potential true love that not only can you have babies together, but maybe you can have a cat or something too. 
• The craziest night photo shows that you're fun, and are someone who can be social. 
• Finally, the "deep" photo shows that you're someone that's mysterious and that you're complicated. Angst literally shoots out of your pores like sweat in a sauna. No one understands you, but maybe your potential true love might. 

Moving on, we need to discuss matching. If you're unfamiliar with the mechanics of Tinder, then either you're an animal who doesn't use Tinder or you ignored the little tips that show you how to do it. All you need to know how to do is swipe right. That's right, folks. Swipe right on everything. Why? Because, you don't have time to stare at profiles and make a decision! You're too busy Instagramming photos of the weird kid who eats lunch in the 200-person lecture. Also, that maximizes the amount of matches you will have. Statistically speaking, the more matches you have, the more likely that you'll find your true love! And that's what Tinder's all about, right folks?

Ah, what is this? You now have a match! Immediately stop swiping right and click the message icon. Now, before you type that message, you need to do a little work. I know, I know, it'll take some time out of your busy day, but you've saved so much time from swiping right that you'll have plenty of time to judge bios. First, look at their pictures. Do they even have a picture? If no, then unmatch. That is, unless you like spam from a "bot" about bangsomeonetonight.com or sexyflirtbuddy.com or even adultfriendfinder.com. 

Now, if they do have pictures, check the content of them. This is where things get hard for me to portray the other spectrums of Tinder, but here's my example: Is there a woman who looks like she'd probably be dating a professional athlete, wearing nothing but a see-through bra and a G-string and laying down on a bed looking like she's about to do something a little more XXX-rated? Or if it's a guy, are they doing something similar? 

This, my dear readers, is also a "bot." They are computers that are designed to automatically try and seduce you into clicking a link that will probably fill your phone with malware, a.k.a. the herpes of the internet. Unmatch them as well - unless you want your phone to have herpes. 

Now, if they have some decent pictures that somewhat follow my earlier guidelines, it's time to check out the bio. If they don't have one, don't worry – they're just a little more mysterious than most people. Most, however, will include a little fact about themselves, like their Twitter handle or Instagram feed. This next step is crucial: follow them on these social media sites. Read all of their tweets from the past two weeks. Heart a few of their selfies on Instagram. True love waits for no one; if you want them, you REALLY have to get your foot in the door. In this case, your foot is you and the door is their heart. 

Do you have shared friends? If so, see if you can find them on your mutual friend's Facebook friends list. Ask your friend about them. Make sure you learn every little fact about your potential true love. Do they have cats? What's their middle name? What does their hair smell like? Learn all you can about them. You need do to all of this research before you send that crucial first message, because this first message will be their first impression of you. 

And now the time has come to send said first message. Your heart is probably beating out of your chest. The butterflies in your stomach are... probably dead because butterflies can't reasonably live in stomachs. (Who eats butterflies?)

Anyways, here is what you should say in your first message: "Hey"

That's all. No period, no exclamation mark, no smiley face, no "what's up?" Trust me, I'm a veteran. A simple "hey" is the perfect icebreaker. Now, just slowly ram through the giant chunks of broken-up ice in this cold ocean of potential romance. Smooth sailing, folks!