Ever since the beginning of time, humans have valiantly spent their lives searching for “Mr. Right” or a “trophy wife.” Today, it could be catching the latest movie flick, going to a party, or wine, dine and 69...we always find a way to turn something into a date.
Since Steve Jobs took a sh*t ton of acid and invented Apple computers, online dating has taken over the dating sphere quicker than free money at a welfare line. And why not? You can be a completely different person online, and instead of being a creep in person, you can just do it via Internet. No one has to know.
Many popular sites such as E-harmony or match.com appeal to the middle-aged who hope of matching with people of similar interest. These sites offer free trial runs which rope these poor souls into paying to date, spending money on pointless dinners, getting their hopes up and, ultimately, more than likely, going home alone.
Personally, I have tried it all: Blackpeoplemeet.com , famersonly.com, cougarlife.com; you name it, I’ve looked into it. All hope seemed to be lost, until one day I was introduced to an App -- rightfully named -- Tinder . After looking into it, I realized it is fairly easy to operate. Swipe right for someone you desire and swipe left on that 63-year-old pedophile. After "matching" with someone, Tinder allows you the option to message your match. I assume most people send the casual, “hey cutie,” or the always effective, “what’s up sugar tits,” or anything else along those lines.
After making my first match, I pondered and pondered what to send this poor soul (who probably accidentally swiped right). I need to send something and the usual, “Hey what’s up,” message really just isn't my style. In today’s world, you have to catch the opposite sex's attention, and a simple few words just doesn't suffice. Unfortunately for this girl, I took my time and concocted the perfect opening Tinder message.
Below is the novel of a Tinder pickup-line I created in my asylum of a mind. Keep in mind this came out around the debut of "50 Shades of Grey," which I have yet to see. Mom, I’m sorry, I suggest checking out something else.
“Hello (insert name),
Lets cut to the chase here. 50 Shades of Grey debuted on Valentine’s Day. Seeing the two of us are on Tinder, it's fair to say neither of us have found ourselves a Valentine. Here's the deal, I know what you’re thinking. This guy is your typical college kid: CEO of a company lives in a private mansion, private jets, golden toilet seats, the whole nine yards. However, there’s a catch.. I’m your modern day Christian Grey. So where do we go from here? We meet up, have some dinner (lobster dinner) because I’m so rich, drink bottles of fine wine, Talk, Laugh and play a little 50 Shades of Grey. What happens next? You fall madly in love with me. We fly off in my private jet to my private island which I own of course. We live in my palace where our servants massage our feet, grapes are fed from the vineyards and we are fanned by palm trees. We decide to adopt a pet, you recommend a cat. We settle with a pet Siberian Tiger named Mulan. Things between us start to get intimate. You want more from me. Against my will, we tie the knot and get hitched. During the beginning stages of our marriage, you wish to bear my children. Reluctantly, I give you my seed and we have two twin boys. One is named Leonidus and the other is named Constantine. These names are non-negotiable. For a while, life is fine and dandy and we continue our 50 shades of grey. Things begin to take a turn for the worse. While walking our pet tiger one day, I am bitten by a radioactive Praying Mantis. Thus being bitten, I gain the powers of the Mantis. I am transformed from man into the self-proclaimed superhero of our generation: Mantis Man! With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, Bane, the abdominal beetle, has caused havoc upon Fort Myers. I am forced to leave to defend the world, leaving you with our boys and tiger. Although I am gone, our love still lives on forever. This is Option A.
Option B: We forget all that bullshit, meet up, see where the night takes us and go our separate ways. Two roads, two different paths. You choose. Spoiler alert, I’m rooting for option A!”
Well, this was my first ever Tinder message sent. I apologize to those of you who have received this strange array of literacy in the form of a Tinder pickup-line. That being said, some of the responses were some real confidence boosters.
- “ I think you may have convinced me to delete my Tinder,” - Anonymous girl
- “ Your life will more than likely amount to nothing,” - Anonymous girl number 1
- “ I’m not reading this until you put in into MLA format,” - Really?
- “ Go crawl deep in a hole and do the world a favor and die.” - Anonymous girl number 32.
There were many more thrilling responses that are far too long and soul crushing for pen and paper. For a disclaimer here, I have no idea what goes on in "50 Shades of Grey," but I've heard it is downright weird, so that was clearly a joke. If you read this ramble of incoherency, you have figured out I've lost my damn mind. Stay tuned for my next FGCU ridiculous pickup lines.
