Maybe I’m crazy, but I usually go to the gym to workout. It seems logical, but the more I sojourn Staten Island’s South Shore YMCA, the less working out I see or do! The workouts that don’t get interrupted with a thirty-minute conversation that could’ve been summed up with a word or two get halted by a machine hog taking Snapchats with the cables. All I know is that if I am wiggling into Spandex pants every night to workout, I shouldn’t have to wiggle into them anymore! If I wanted to stand/sit and chat in a room surrounded by mirrors, I’d keep my makeup on.
If you’re a fellow South Shore YMCA member struggling with the crowded floor and interrupted lifts: 1) I probably hate you for taking up space in the parking lot. 2) These scheduling tips may help you put your time to use!
5am: The Animals
Good for you.
6am-9am: The AARP Book Club
Due to the surplus of arthritis during the YMCA’s morning hours, you are almost guaranteed a squat rack between the hours of six and nine A.M. The parking lot is clear aside from the occasional Access- A-Ride pulling in to drop off your fellow A.M. gym-goers, and your favorite treadmill is most likely available. While the morning time slot may seem like the most opportune time to get in and out of the gym, it can be dangerous territory.
First off, if you are going with the intent to use any sedentary machines or benches, you may be surprised to find that the YMCA does not have any between the hours of six and nine in the morning; the majority of the people who attend the gym during this time use the machines as benches, where they can sit down catch up with friends on the excitement of retired life. Speaking of which, the second and most pertinent issue about morning workouts is that the fellow YMCA members of the hour seem to think that everyone is on the AARP schedule. Become a regular during this time only if you are willing to hear the same story three weeks in a row. So before you get too excited about that available squat rack, keep in mind that it may take twenty minutes to get through the set.
There are a couple ways to avoid these redundant conversations, or to at least make them a bit more entertaining. You can avoid them all together by doing the morning routine every couple of days, and thus keeping you out of morning clique. If it’s too late for that, you can try wearing a hat—they don’t have the best vision. If you still find yourself stuck in stories from World War II, try experimenting with different reactions; respond differently every time you hear the same story. This way, at least one end of the conversation is different.
9am-12pm: Soccer Moms Attack
Despite the fact that you might get into an accident with a mini van and/or a small child in the parking lot, this is actually an ideal time to go to the gym. Due to the scheduling overlap between yoga and boot camp classes, swimming lessons, and pre-school drop off, the gym portion of the YMCA is pretty empty, but you want to avoid the parking lot as much as possible, no matter how newly paved it may be.
However, if you’re there for a class, get there early is you want a spot; soccer moms take their spin bikes very seriously.
12pm-3pm: Townies
The afternoon slot is a hit-or-miss during the week. The good news is that you will avoid any high school aged kids or 9-5 working adults, but you may get stuck with some more complaints about a late social security check, or a tragic nail salon horror from one of the Mob Wives.
3-6: Kidz Bop
Schools on Staten Island let out around 2:30, and because the Eltingville train station’s stop is seven minutes away from New Dorp, and only four minutes from Hugenot, The South Shore YMCA is a convenient location for the three o’clock rush of New Dorp, Farrell, Tech, Sea, and Tottenville students sporting cutoff tee shirts from their respective schools. Okay—maybe not Tech.
6pm-9pm: Bros
Once the high school kids leave to get home in time for dinner, your friendly neighborhood YMCA takes a turn for the worse. The parking lot, earlier packed with SUVs and mini vans, is now mobbed with RAM trucks taking up two parking spots, and souped up BMWs that somehow manage to take up three. Inside, you’ll find some of Staten Island’s most quintessential meatheads, posing for Instagram pictures mid-rep, and sporting beards that cover more of their chests than their cut-offs. The dialect spoken is thick with “bro,” and the dress code is anything from Tarzan-inspired tank tops to the BodyBuilding.com tee shirt that comes free with a purchase of seventy-five dollars or more.
Women and children should stay away.
9pm-11pm: Your Only Hope
If you can push your nightly workout a couple of hours back, I highly recommend doing so. By 9:00, most of the weight hoarders and mirror posers have left to get the tanning salon before closing hours, and the YMCA finally becomes workout-able.
Unless you can get there between noon and three, five in the morning and nine at night are your best shots to burn a calorie or two. So if your having trouble getting a solid workout in during the senior citizen and meathead hours, chug that coffee, pre-workout, Adderall, or whatever other stimulants selling at the Eltingville train station, and give these new times a whirl!
