This is taken from my recently published book, Obsessed with Happiness: Living as a Millennial. This chapter challenges you to take control of your life in the way you want to venture.

Time to Grab the Reigns

Our parents are no longer guiding us. It is our time to grab the reigns and make the decisions of our future. They may be trying to tell you where to go and what is best for you, but this is our time to shine, so do not let your reigns be twisted in the hands that used to help you, because it is your time now. It is a scary proposition. We are used to our caregivers and society patting us on the shoulder and walking next to us on our path, typically to college or a full-time job. There is no one to blame that we were showered with guidance and help, and it is no doubt why we are fearful to take on the reigns alone… and have confidence that we are doing it right. But in order to achieve your happiness and live your life to fullest, you have to do it, and do it by yourself.

Well lets face it, we are very different from the previous generations that have stepped foot on this earth and we are not even sure ourselves what exactly we are doing. We value community, family and creativity in our work, we are shaped by technology, we are getting married later than any other previous generation, we are less likely to be homeowners than young adults in previous generations, we are now the largest, most diverse generation in the U.S. population as concluded in a 2010 study by the Pew Research Center.

Now our life is in our hands, we can live the life we want, we are unrestricted from whatever was holding us back or telling us what to do, we have gained the freedom we begged for as teenagers. We are searching for the beauty of independence we so dearly craved but all of a sudden it does not seem as glamorous as it was made out to be. We have to make “big boy and girl” decisions, make ends meet, and we are doing it all alone. It is scary but when we are able to face life on our own and when we are standing on both of our feet we will have the most happiness. You will be on your horse gracefully and confidently cantering along the meadow fields, sandy beaches, mountaintops, or whatever suits your imagination, with a smile on your face.

But now, we cannot say with self-belief that we are confidently in control of our life and happy at this moment and cannot say that the imagination of us on our horse cantering in the wilderness with blue skies is a reality. It is likely we are living our life trying to get a hold of our reigns and make the right decision, but we do not always feel like we have a strong grip. We feel a sense of loss when we choose one path over another, we feel stuck in between ways to go because we have the endless possibility to grow in any direction we want. We are not being pressured to settle down or live in one place. Rather we are encouraged to travel, move across the country, and do things that do not seem, or feel, like it is giving us the strongest grip on our reins. We may be holding them but holding them without the confidence we need. We no longer need or have the dependency of our caregivers and most of the time we want to show them we have it under control… to not worry about me; “I am doing my own thing. I am on my own… but I am not going to admit my hands are shaky holding on to my horse and I am feeling a little lost in this new chapter of independence”.

That is OK. Gaining that sturdy grip on the reins when you want it all to be good is harder than it appears. So it is okay to seek advice from your elders and take the time to fully grab a hold of the reins, as long as you are making the ultimate decisions. For some it can be a process with one hand on tight and the other flailing in the air almost like a, “Hello! Am I doing this right?” or more like you are franticly waving your hand in the air, “help me” as your horse is galloping down the timeline as you are wondering where the heck time went, if you are doing things right, and asking yourself how you ended up here.

Or maybe you had no choice, you felt like you were abruptly plopped on a horse and left in the dust. Where your guidance did not give you full warning or you felt like you were not ready to take on the reigns alone, but now you are. You had no choice but to have both hands on the reins. You have already grabbed them and you are already making decisions on your own, and as put together as you would love to seem you sometimes feel like instead your hands are in the air and you are bopping up and down on your horse, barely staying on board.

Whether one hand, both hands or no hands are currently on your reigns, it is time to figure how to get both hands gripped on your reigns, with confidence and control.

It is a challenge but you have to work toward that ultimate control in having confidence that your mind and your heart will steer where you want to venture.

Your heart is powerful but your mind tends to be right more than that thing in your chest. My mentor once told me, when I was struggling to make sense of what to do, that it is important to make the decision with your mind leading you, emphasizing the mind. The heart can lead us astray although we can feel it pumping; the mind is more stable and gives us more direction. Be able to feel your heart but use your mind to make that ultimate decision.

When we are in these moments of trying to grab a sturdy grip but seem to be feeling lost, that is normal. When it is the time to actually take on the full control of our life it is hard, scary and we do not want to make a mistake. We feel uncertain and have a shaky grip. Scared of failure. Scared to fall off the horse. Scared to make the wrong decision. We are lying in the dirt feeling like everyone else is stomping on us while they are happily in control of their life. Later in the book goes more in depth about comparing, and that is something to avoid, but when we are trying to find answers and reassurance that we are doing this independent thing right, we look around us. But try not to compare. Sometimes that is what is distracting us from being in control because we are too caught up in whatever else the other millennials are doing. Remember, we are the most diverse generation and we are all seeking our own happiness and at points we will be great and at other times we will be shaky.

Sometimes, we feel like we are failing because we want to take an internship over a full time job with benefits or we want to take a year off to travel before going back to school. Now that these paths are open you have to take a hold of the horse and make the choice not only your heart wants but what your mind wants.

There will be decisions that we make and work at it but then fail. We will be bucked off our horse or maybe slowly fall off. We may have the chance to see the failure unravel before our eyes and we do not know how to tie it back together in time or it may happen in the blink of an eye, having no idea where and what went wrong. We are almost paralyzed that it happened. We think the worst thing happened – we failed. But oddly, failure is something that does not have to paralyze us; it may actually be the start to your success. Maybe a buck of the horse set your priorities straight. It can open your eyes to see things more clearly. Failure is okay… it is not the worst thing. It is not fun, but it is necessary. You need to be bucked off the horse and fall off in order to succeed in life. I believe the ones that face failure the hardest and jump back on the horse are the most successful. They are the most successful because they know what it is like to be bucked off, they have learned more from their falls than they have when they won the race. They have felt the pain, the fear, and endured the fall. They experienced the buck and found a way to get back on track. And when failure is presented again they know exactly how to recover.

So when we fall off it does matter how many times it has happened, or how bad the fall was, but it is how we react, how we recover to the failure.

When we fail we should not see it as a failure but as a challenge. It is a test for you, life is challenging you to grow and learn from this mess. See failure as an opportunity to show yourself the strength and courage you have to spin things back around.

Failure is an obstacle that is standing in your way of your goals. Failure slams the door in your face; it shuts you out from where you want to go. It leaves you with the cold wind in your face feeling like you were defeated. But you are only defeated if you walk away and let that door stay closed. You have to see that door, and find a way around it. Find a way to bust down the door, fly over top of it, uncover the key… whatever strategy you need to do in order to reopen that door, to get back on your horse. Once you do it, you now have the knowledge to make sure you do not fall off your horse again, you are now aware of what can break you down, you are now built of the tough skin to face the rocks thrown at you, you are now, more than ever, prepared to achieve your goal. Do not let failure keep you off your horse, it will knock you off, and you may break a bone or two, but it is secretly challenging you, it is testing you to see how far you will go to achieve your goals.

If your goals and dreams were easy, if they did not have obstacles or moments of defeat they would not be a goal or a dream. It is because they are challenging. It is because these goals and dreams require strength, endurance, and determination that it is attractive, that is why they are even your goals and dreams in the first place. Goals and dreams would not be goals and dreams if everyone could achieve them. Realize that your goals and dreams will toss you off your horse because it only allows those strong enough to achieve them. And that means getting back on your horse.

Let it fuel your energy to be even more motivated to reach your goals. When you fail this gives you the chance to regroup, redirect, and reevaluate the situation.

First, take a look at the steps you made and what happened. Ask yourself the, where, when, why, how questions: where/when did I start to fall? Why did I get bucked off? How did I end up here? Understand the situation so you can figure out how to overcome the failure, strategize a plan, and see how you will never let this happen again.

Regroup. Give yourself a minute. Nobody likes failure but know that the world does not wait for you. So get back on your horse as soon as you can. Give yourself no more than a day or two to have pity for yourself. After that, redirect your path. Find a way to overcome the failure and surpass it. Let the failure ignite your engine to make you an unstoppable human to achieve this goal.

This is the first half of a chapter in "Obsessed with Happiness: Living as a Millennial." If you enjoyed this, like the Facebook page, and if you would like to finish this chapter and/or read more about finding your true self, discovering happiness and loving your life, you can find the book on Amazon.

DK