It seems that this year especially, the conversation about sexual assault has been extremely prevalent. Although it’s heartbreaking to endure such heavy talk, I believe it’s incredibly important to keep the communication and attention around this topic going. You may be sick of reading “similar” pieces, but until something is achieved, the conversation will, and must, continue.
A significant amount of talk stems from political angles —which sadly does not accomplish anything. The subject has taken so many twists and turns that it’s difficult to keep up with. I chose to write about certain aspects of this topic, but I cannot speak for everyone.
At the 2016 Oscar’s, Lady Gaga performed her song “Til it Happens to You,” creating one of the most powerful, emotional and chilling moments in award show history. For those of you who did not view it, she sang this brave song amongst dozens of sexual abuse survivors. The song is a simple truth; one of which those who are quick to judge must remember that they do not know.
I personally don’t think that this song is intended to cut anyone except survivors from the conversation. When you or a loved one are affected, you can feel the hurt. However, I believe that the song speaks to those who, as I mentioned, are judgemental or crude. You can be supportive, empathetic, loving, and understanding. You might not fully grasp the pain, but empathy is possible. What you cannot do: judge, accuse, say that a trigger warning’s “purpose is to warn weak minded people who are easily offended” (not cool, random Urban Dictionary user), and say they were asking for it (that is just an entire ridiculous topic on it’s own). Do you have a right to say it? Yes of course, you can say anything. Does someone else have a right to tell you to shut your mouth? Most definitely.
It’s not political.
It’s not liberals, it’s not conservatives, it’s not men, and it’s not women. I know liberals who make jokes about rape, I know conservativies who join support groups, and vice versa. This topic goes far beyond politics, and if we open our eyes we can see that.
It’s easy to blame a group that is different from you for such a scary and prevalent thing—especially with the polarized and aggressive election ongoing. We all want a scape goat and we all want a reason. Not having an explanation for the unthinkable is unsettling. We seek it constantly. Sometimes we need to admit that this widespread tragedy is just that. We can’t blame it all on one group. There’s not always a “dark side.” The fault falls on the attacker.
An assault occurs. People are quick to blame X, Y and Z—but why? Maybe they didn’t handle it well. But by accusing someone other than the attacker, how well did we handle it?
What we really need to focus on is the survivor. We need to treat them with sensitivity and respect. If they choose not to speak, that is okay. It’s not suspicious, it doesn’t mean they falsified the event. If they do speak, listen. Don’t disregard his or her feelings and move on. Listen.
As stated, one cannot understand the severity of the emotions associated with the event.
Not until it happens to them.
Sexual assault takes the control completely out of the survivor’s hands. They learn that they do not control themselves—essentially saying that they are not human and that they do not deserve basic human rights. All of their voice, identity, and security is stripped away. They learn to fear. They face pain, trauma, PTSD, flashbacks and can develop numerous mental illnesses. They awake at three a.m. sweating, after having another nightmare. They spend months and years, taken out of their lives and freetime, in therapy, working through the problems created by someone else. They blame themselves. They lose confidence.
Don’t tell me and don’t tell them to get over it. To move on. Don’t minimize someone’s feelings. Don’t joke that “sex is sex.”
Because it’s not.
Sexual abuse is not sex. It takes every “pleasure” out of the concept, and leaves the survivor with pain.
It feels wrong that these things still need to be said. That it’s necessary to tell people and to remind people that this is never okay.
If you want to help, you need to be proactive. On University of Wisconsin-Madison campus, we have a ‘club' called “We’re Better Than That.” It originated as, and continues to be, an organization focused on ‘Men Against Sexual Assault,’ though women are welcomed as members. The goal of the organization is to have men look at themselves, and talk to men, about sexual assault. The more people like this that we have, the quicker this problems is going to resolve itself. Until then, I can only hope that voices like mine are not simply brushed under the rug.
It’s time to get involved. Join a group, support a friend, or give yourself the love and help you need.
