I believe in living with everything inside of you. For myself that sometimes means expressing myself in different personalities . Sometimes this means the way I dress, sometimes it means the way I think. Like many other people, I have been struggling with a long battle with depression. If you your self have never personally dealt with depression you cannot understand no matter how much you may kindly attempt to do so. But during this time of life ever thing felt as if it fell up to me. I had to be happy around each of my parents so they would be happy, my boyfriend so he didn't feel like it was his fault, and I felt I had to hide behind my own face. Every one had to believe I was fine because I thought they would never understand my pain. And truly no one wold have because they were not experiencing it themselves.
Also in this time, I lost my job. and I couldn't find another one. For a long while everything fell completely on by boyfriend to take care of me. Sounds pretty hopeless and all but something kept me going just a little. One day I forced myself to say to my own head, "Things have got to get better!" And I carried that now. The hope was heavy. And It almost made me feel worse. But then there was a phone call inviting me forward in the hiring process of the job that was my way out.
There was the conversation with my boyfriend about moving. There was me voicing my dream of moving to Montana. After just a few good things the darkness began to life a little. So small at first. But then more and more. Soon I was wearing bold make up. Saying "LOOK AT ME WORLD!" and scream with loud colored that I knew exactly where I wanted to go and that I was prepared to fight for that. All at once I knew I was going to get the job I needed, All at once I knew that my boyfriend loved me more than he could ever explain, and that we would be a real family eventually, but most important of all that I was free to do whatever I myself was brave enough to do. For me and nothing else. I was in charge of keeping me happy.
From now on I choose to say I am sad, I need help and I need you to listen when I speak. From now on I choose not to depend on support, but to demand it. I choose to wear the scars as a reminder of where I was, where I have been, and where I am going. But really in the long run I choose me over all. I choose that I am what matters and I am needed and that I can bring something to this would even if it is nothing more than blue lip stick, and blue eyeliner.
Face it. It makes me happy so I don't really care what you think. Maybe you should try it sometime. You might find yourself doing everything you've always wanted to do.
