Three years ago, I was laying in a bathtub, trying to puke up everything in my stomach after I had tried to overdose on Benadryl. Looking back, that low point was the worst thing I have experienced. At that point, I wanted nothing more than than to be free of this world and escape my reality. I wanted to run from all my nightmares, all my demons and feel something again. I didn't care about anything but escaping my own hurt. I had reached a low so low that nothing else mattered but myself. I did not stop and think about my parents. The thought of how much my mother truly needed me never crossed my mind. The thought of how much my sisters looked up to me and cherished me never made me second guess. I never once stopped and thought about how I'd miss one of my best friends bringing my nephew into this world. I never thought of the future I would have. I never thought about how much I would miss out on. I never thought of the people, even those who I didn't know, who I might mean something to .
Today, a friend of mine told me about how one of my blogs hangs in a friend of her's house. Someone out there found a moment I went through important enough to hang in their home. If I had succeeded three years ago in overdosing, I never would have given that person that part of me, that piece of me that now matters so much to him or her.
I know you might walk through life everyday thinking it will never get better, thinking that your demons weigh you down beyond return. But that's not true, and I can say that honestly. I know that for a fact. My low point wasn't a one-time occurrence either. It wasn't the first time. It as well wasn't the last. I had family and friends who found me at my weakest and pulled me from falling further. I know what it is like to feel like you are alone. I talked a stranger out of following through with his wish. I was there. I listened. He mattered to me. His life played a part in mine. Seeing him come once a week into my work mattered to me. Each person we come in contact with plays some part in our story.
Today, I have the most gorgeous little angel who has saved my life more ways than one. I have a amazing job that pays the bills for my home. I have amazing friends who see those demons I still carry with me and love me just the same. Today, I am there for many with my words. Many I know, but some I do not. I carry hurt for others with me like it was my own in order to make those suffering feel a little ease. I'm there for people who have been at those low points as well.
Three years ago, I never would have guessed I would matter so much in this world to people. Everyday, it goes on. Everyday changes to a new light.
