This morning I woke up proud to be an American. Proud of how far this country came in the last a hundred plus years. This morning I woke up hopeful that our country would elect Senator Hilary Clinton to be the next president of the United States. Sadly, I was terribly wrong.

Today I sit here in awe, I sit here in disgust, and I sit here and I wonder how the hell we got here? How did we let this joke of an election spin so out of control that a reality star is the next president? A reality star who based his whole entire campaign on hate. Hate against race, gender, religion, disability and so much more. Today I have to cope with the fact that although as a country we have come so damn far, we haven’t moved at all. In fact we have now been pushed so far back.

Electing Donald Trump isn’t a win; it isn’t a win at all. It is a loss. It is a loss for the Republican Party, who will be scrutinized forever more based solely on this elected. It is a loss on the war for love, by electing a candidate who speaks about repealing the rights to gay marriage. It is a loss on the war for love, by electing a vice president that wants to uses electrocution therapy on gays in order to turn them straight. It is a loss for the war for women’s rights by electing a man who wants to defund Planned Parenthood. It is a loss for women’s rights by electing a man who has said the words “grab her by the pussy” over a women who has said “women’s rights are human rights.” It is a loss women’s rights by electing a man who spoke out and said he would ‘fuck’ his own daughter if she wasn’t his daughter, while she was expected to sit there with a smile on her face and look pretty this entire election. It is a loss for minorities by electing a man who wants to build a wall to keep immigrants out. It is a loss for minorities for electing a man who referred to Hispanics as rapists, murderers, and hang members instead of people. It is a loss for minorities by electing a man who is endorsed by the freakin KKK due to the racist things he has said in the past year and a half. It is a loss for humanity. It is a loss for hope. It is a loss for everyone.

I am no longer proud to be an American. I am no longer hopeful for the future. Instead I sit in fear as I write this. Instead I sat in tears as I sat in awe as I starred at my television screen as I saw Trump’s electoral votes get higher and higher, until the words “Trump won the Presidential race” light up in front of my eyes. Instead I take my birth control tonight wondering if this is the last time I will be able to swallow this pill free of charge. Instead I have to think if my brother will be able to marry the man he loves someday. Instead I sit in pure disgust and agony and physical pain that our country just elected a man that can easily steal hope from so many. Instead I sit here and wonder if by the time I have children I will be able to tell my daughter “don’t worry honey you have the same rights as a man, even the government says so.” Instead I sit in fear thinking about what terrible things Trump supporters are going to do to these women, to these Hispanics, to these African Americans, and Muslims, and so many more that their “leader” told them it’s okay to abuse, assault, and harm.

I go to sleep tonight unable to fathom how a country that elected an African American TWICE, is the same country that elected a racist, sexist, pig tonight. I go to sleep now wondering if America can ever really be great again.