If you're one of thousands of Americans who take joy in watching people compete for "true" love, then you must be addicted to either the "Bachelor" or, in this case, "The Bachelorette." With our once-rejected Bachelorette, JoJo, this has already been a drama-filled season that I can't turn away from. If you're an addict like me, I'm sure you had some of the same thoughts as I did over the last few weeks.
The first impressions.
The first sign is the guys they decide to do a spot light on, these will either be the weirdest guys there and immediately be turned away, or they will be there until the end. Therefore, they are normally the only ones that I care about. Every guy walks out of the limo looking like a real handsome beef-cake, but then there's always one who just misses the mark.
This season's swing and a miss is jolly "Saint" Nick in the Santa suit. Nice try, Nick, and really a girl might want you to grant all her wishes, but those rosy cheeks won't keep her happy for life. The only thing that could make Saint Nick seem like the good guy is a certain someone, name is not included because he should just be called "Pig," who kept asking her to go to the Fantasy Suite. Hard no, bro. I could not have been happier than to see JoJo kick him out, I already knew I was in for a wild season.
When they ceremoniously spread Chad's protein powder ashes.
Nothing says "tool" quite like being symbolized by a plastic container of whey. Chad, the bitter bachelor want-to-be. He was full of snide comments and judgement, but, if I'm being honest, I tended to agree with what he was saying. He told the guys they were crazy for falling for JoJo without really knowing her first. Maybe if he wasn't so crazy, and probably going through "roid-rage," then him and JoJo could have been a perfect fairy tale, or at least swole-mates.
When Alex comes on screen.
Alex looks like the good ole Prince Charming, or, more accurately, Prince Eric from "The Little Mermaid." He has the All-American boy look down to a "T." But can we just talk about the fact that he is the same height as JoJo and has short-guy syndrome. Short-guy syndrome is similar to little-dog syndrome where, in opposition to their stature, they tend to be pompous and larger than life. Picture a chihuahua fighting a Great Dane, or in this case, Alex fighting Chad, not a pretty picture.
When JoJo picks the worst date setting.
Hot, awkward yoga with angry grunting, that sounds like a great idea. Firefighting group date when one of the contestants happens to be a firefighter, real mystery on who was going to win that one. Sand dune surfing in Uruguay, come on, JoJo, just pick something normal for a group date. We get it, you're sporty and adventurous, but really these are some extremes.
When Jordan's hair quaff is out of place.
Oh pretty boy Jordan riding in on his brother's coattails. He looks like the perfect man to bring home to Mom, and picturing him and JoJo's kids is like looking straight into an issue of most beautiful people alive. But is it just me or does he look like he's too good to be true, like the glass slipper just won't fit right? Every time he has one of those perfect hairs out of place I wonder, is he Prince Charming or just a wolf in sheep's clothing? And finally, the real question for Jordan, "what do you actually do for work?" If you're not "tossing around a leather ball," what are you doing with your life, because you have to support JoJo now. That girl will not be cheap to take care of.
Every Rose Ceremony.
I clench my teeth and cross my fingers hoping that my least favorite guys will finally not receive a rose. All these things were done in vain since JoJo obviously didn't want to listen to me. Finally, on week five, home girl answered my prayers and kicked off some of my least favorite guys. Vinny, also known as Jesse Pinkman from "Breaking Bad," is gone. Canadian Vampire (Daniel), slain. Erectile Disfunction Evan, limp and rejected.
The end of every episode.
I sit back after the final credits roll and am either filled with great disgust towards JoJo and her decision-making skills, or proud of her for kicking out another creep. But my real thought, no matter if I am happy or sad about her choices, is can we just skip ahead and agree that the real winner here is Luke. He's handsome, tender, and he has that perfect Texas charm. Maybe JoJo will finally get it together and listen to me, her true home girl, and just have Luke propose. Watching that wedding would rival the royal wedding in my book.
