I never thought that I would make it to this point in my life. I mean, where did the time go? I swear it was yesterday that I was sitting in my 6th-grade classroom waiting for recess. Now I'm living seven hours away from home, going to college in a completely different state, and stressing about classes. How did that happen?

With my twentieth birthday being just around the corner, I'm contemplating a lot of things. I'm questioning all of the decisions I've made, reminiscing on the past, wondering about the future, and trying to figure out if I've wasted two decades of my life. Part of me is so excited to begin my twenties. Everyone says that your twenties are the best years of your life. The other part of me is nervous and resistant. I don't want to leave my teenage years behind because that means they'll just be memories. I'm not ready to be that person the gets together with my high school friends just "remembering the good old days". I'm not prepared to go out into the real world and support myself. I don't want to let go of teenage me.

In my time as a college student, I've learned that I know nothing I need to know and I've come to terms with the fact that I am not prepared for the adult world. Where am I supposed to learn about taxes and insurance, and filling out the massive amounts of paperwork my mom usually does for me. I mean, I'm that person that had trouble filling out a W-2 form. The true struggle is wanting the freedom and other benefits of being an adult, but being unwilling to learn the necessary responsibilities that lead to those benefits.

I fight myself between wanting to be an adult and wanting to be a kid. I can no longer hide behind the façade of the "teen" label. Who can really say they want to be older anyway? Every birthday I only think of being one year closer to dying. One year closer to not having my youthful looks, my active body, my creative mind. I'll only have memories of when I was younger and wish for those days back, cursing myself for taking those years for granted. The truth is that I'm not mentally prepared for any part of adulthood.

Someone told me that turning twenty isn't a big deal. I couldn't believe it. I feel as if the whole world as I know it will completely turn upside-down. So, before I embark on this new journey of being in my twenties, just know that I'm excited, terrified, and extremely nostalgic. I'm holding on to the past and wishing for an amazing future. I'm keeping my hopes high and my expectations even higher.