I thought of you today, but it was in a different way.

Usually when I think of you, I think about how much I adore you. I think of all the times you made me laugh, smile, and feel like the happiest girl on the planet. I remember the first time that I saw your eyes light up when you were telling me a story and how in that moment I knew I’d never be the same again.

When I first met you, I was truly in awe. I had never met someone so full of life, kind, and determined to reach their goals. You were different in the beginning–like no one I had ever met before. Maybe that’s why I fell as fast as I did. I’m not sure if it was your charming personality or those big, beautiful eyes that made my heart skip a beat every time they looked into mine, but whatever it was, I was hooked.

But today, I didn’t think of those happy memories. Because honestly, I thought of those memories so much that it made me live in the past. It made me forget how horrible you have also treated me. I forgot how you would ignore my texts, leave me wondering what was wrong with me, and not even notice me when I walked into a room. I thought of these memories today, and it hurt.

I’ve wanted to stop thinking about you for a while now, but I just couldn’t stop. I thought to myself “maybe if I keep trying” or “ if I just give him so time..” that things would blow over and go back to the way they used to be. See that’s the thing– I kept going back to the way things used to be. I compared our future to our past, and I should have immediately known that no good can come of that.

So, yes I thought of you in a different way today. I never wanted to see you in a negative light, but it was time that I faced the truth. You were a ray of sunlight shining down on me when I first met you, and now, you're more of the aftermath of a bad sun burn.

I changed so much of myself for you. I lost who I was for a while. But, because of you, I found myself again. And for that, I thank you.

I'm not saying that I will only think of the bad memories every time I see you or hear your name. I'm not saying that I am never going to think of you again because I would only be lying to myself.

All I am trying to say is that the thought of you will no longer hurt me. I know deep down that you know you were wrong for treating me the way you did. But that is something you will have to live with, not me.

I thought of you in a different way today. And, it felt good.