I was driving us back from dinner at her favorite place. It was a hole in wall Mexican place. She always boasted about how their empanadas were the greatest she’d ever tasted in her entire life but it was really the fact that she spent her entire childhood here. She knew the staff by name and the booth we always sat in had her initials carved into the table. She was at home in this restaurant. There were very few places that made her feel safe and this was one of them.
I thought the place was alright, but what it made it the greatest place was being there with her. Seeing her so joyful and comfortable, my god, it made me the happiest guy in the world.
That's why this time, I could tell something was off. She was quiet for most of dinner while usually I had the hardest time getting a word in. She had been distant the whole time so when we got into the car, I finally asked her what was on her mind.
She was quiet for a few minutes before she faintly replied with, “I’m scared as hell to love you. But here I am, loving you anyway.” She looked out the window and avoided my gaze.
We sat in silence for about five minutes, I could hear the raindrops falling on the windshield perfectly. I didn’t know how to respond. She finally broke the incredibly awkward silence, “So are you going to say anything?” She chuckled.
I sighed and gripped the steering wheel, bracing myself for what I was about to say, because I knew it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. “I’m sorry, I really am.” I could feel my throat going dry but I continued, “I’m flattered. But you know how hard it is for me to say those words.” This time, I was the one avoiding her gaze by staring straight ahead at the red light.
I could hear her take in a deep breath.
“I know it’s hard for you to say it. Forget I said anything. I should have known better, it’s always been this way.” She gave me a strained smile and I could tell that she was holding back tears.
How was I supposed to explain to her that she meant the world to me but I just wasn’t ready? I knew her like the back of my hand and I would do practically anything for her. This past year with her was the greatest of my life. I had to say something. And so I did.
“Listen, I know I’ve put you through a lot. I know I’m such a hard person to deal with, but dammit I care about you. I really do. I know I suck at showing it but you mean the world to me. I know you inside and out and you’re always in the back of my mind all the time…. So please, just stay with me. I know half the time I don’t give you what you deserve, but please, just stay.”
